


Camping With Heichou

by HasteinAurelius



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Brat is a term of endearment, But still tries his best when a subordinate needs a pep talk, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Families of Choice, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Levi is Bad At Feelings (Shingeki no Kyojin), Parental Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27673567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HasteinAurelius/pseuds/HasteinAurelius
Summary: Short vignettes inspired by an observation I once saw that the beginning of season 3 is basically Levi being a dad to a cabin full of rowdy teenagers.These aren’t necessarily in order. May get a bit silly at times, cause those 104th kids are kinda rambunctious. May also get angsty at times, cause those kids have seen some shit.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman & Sasha Blouse, Sasha Blouse & Connie Springer
Comments: 73
Kudos: 193
Collections: wwwwwww





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters, locations, etc are property of Isayama Hajime. I’m just a fan having a little fun.

As they approached the cabin, Levi cast yet another concerned glance at Connie, who had been moving mechanically all morning without a trace of his normal spirited behavior. _Hell of a thing for a fucking kid to go through_ the frowning captain thought. Levi had stopped by Hange’s office the night before to ask about Connie and share a pot of tea; he’d learned that Connie had been the same since the village, hardly speaking a word.

The pair of scouts stabled their horses, removing the saddles and tack, then rubbed their horses down in silence before approaching the cabin.

As he approached the door, Levi held up a hand for Connie to wait and placed an ear against the door to hear what his subordinates were up to before making his presence known. He had to suppress a small smile when he heard Eren haranguing his squadmates for their cleaning failures. _Brat actually learned something_ he thought proudly as he made his entrance.

* * *

“Springer, Arlert, go relieve Ackerman and Kirstein from guard duty,” Levi ordered when he saw everyone in the cabin had finished lunch. “Yeager, did you finish that chore rotation I asked for before sending you out here?”

“Yes, sir,” Eren replied while retrieving a sheaf of paper from a side table. “Mikasa has the best handwriting in the squad, so I asked her to do the writing.”

“Good, she can help fix your mistakes when she’s done eating. Hand it over,” Levi ordered before taking another sip of tea. “Braus, Reiss, clean the dishes.” He then read through the chore list with a scowl while Eren nervously waited.

“Oi, brats, something you need to hear,” Levi announced after Mikasa and Jean sat down with their lunches. “So, shitty glasses figured out that titans are people who somehow got changed.” Eyes widened in shock around the table and Jean choked on the piece of bread he’d been eating. Historia thumped him on the back as he wheezed and spluttered.

“Changed… like I do?” Eren asked, looking stunned.

“Yeah, except we don’t think they can change back. Somethings different about you and those three backstabbing fucks, but four eyes hasn’t figured that out yet. Anyway, there wasn’t a breach. Those titans that had some of you pinned at that castle the other night were the entire population of Ragako village.”

“That’s Connie’s village!” Sasha exclaimed.

“Yeah.”

“Then his family?” Sasha had tears in her eyes from thinking of the implications for her friend.

“Titans,” Levi confirmed. “And the one his mom turned into’s still alive, stuck in his house. I shouldn’t have to tell you brats this, but try not to be a dick to him for the next few days. Now get back to work.”

“So all the titans we’ve killed…” Jean trailed off, looking nauseated.

“Hell of a thing,” Levi quietly agreed, looking down into his tea.

“Ymir said something about it being a nightmare,” Eren stated. “She said she wandered outside the walls for 60 years like that.”

“Huh, maybe there’s a way to restore Mrs. Springer.” Levi mused. “Have to tell four eyes about that. Now, how about you explain this bullshit you call a chore rotation?”

“Sir?”

“First, why is laundry only on here once a week? You brats planning on wearing the same filthy shit for half a week and stinking this place up?”

“Uh, how often should we, sir?”

“Daily. Same as all the other cleaning.”

“All? Sir, do we need to clean the outhouse daily too?”

“That seat’ll get fucking nasty if you only clean it weekly like you had here. Now, one more thing, you left someone off.”

“Sir?” Eren looked down at the papers and mentally counted up his squadmates. “I don’t see anyone missing, are we getting someone new?”

“Tch, you left me off, brat.” Levi was a firm believer in keeping busy and not ordering subordinates to do anything he wasn’t willing to do.

“But sir, won’t you be busy with, um, officer stuff?”

Levi faintly smirked. “Didn’t bring any paperwork and the only meetings I’ll be in are squad meetings. Put me in the rotation.”

“On all the chores?”

“You calling me lazy?”

“No, sir,” Eren hurriedly replied while Mikasa tried to hide an eager smile.

“Good.” Levi finished his tea and stood. “I expect the corrected version in my hands before dinner. You’ll both be running extra laps in the morning if it needs corrected a second time. Kirstein, sweep up after you eat.” As he exited the cabin to give Armin the news, he faintly heard Mikasa singing under her breath something about a captain scrubbing an outhouse. “Tch, brats,” he muttered, amused, as he shut the door behind him.

Mikasa quickly finished her lunch, then quietly sang, “Shorty’s gonna scrub the shitter,” to herself while opening an ink pot, as Jean looked on in shock and Eren looked horrified.

“Mikasa, the captain’ll kill you if he hears that!” Eren urgently whispered at her.

“He’s obviously gone to tell Armin what he just told us,” Mikasa coolly replied. “Armin’s going to have questions and I know you two won’t tell on me.”

“He’ll tell Armin to shut up if he asks too many questions! He’s probably already on the way back!”

“Is the suicidal maniac finally scared of something?” Jean taunted.

“Shut it, Jean-boy!”

* * *

“Could be worse,” Levi dryly pronounced early in the evening, watching Armin, Historia, and Eren practice musketry on the small target range the four of them had finished building after dinner. They had only brought enough powder and shot for minimal practice, which was still more than most scouts have had since their second year in the training corps. “Ten more shots each. Reiss, Yeager, you have next watch, send Ackerman and Kirsten here to practice when you’re done. Arlert, find me in the cabin, I’ll have some more cleaning for you.” That said, he turned on his heel to go inspect the cleaning in the cabin as the trio poured fresh powder charges down their barrels.

The first thing he noticed upon entering the cabin was that there was no cleaning going on. Instead of scrubbing the dishes from dinner, Connie and Sasha were standing in front of the wash basin with their arms around each other. Levi reflexively drew a deep breath to bellow at them, then let it out in a sigh when he noted how badly Connie’s shoulders were shaking. _Was bound to come out eventually. Poor kid must’ve been holding out til he could use a friend’s shoulder without everyone else watching_. “Braus, keep a good grip. He’s breathing too fast and liable to pass out,” he instructed in a calm voice while approaching them.

“C-captain?” Sasha looked up, worry writ all over her face. She had one hand on Connie’s lower back and the other on the back of his head.

“You’re doing fine, brat, just be ready to catch him. Connie, can you hear me? We need you to slow down. Breathe,” Levi instructed in a surprisingly gentle voice, placing a hand on Connie’s shoulder. Connie continued hyperventilating, weeping and muttering unintelligibly into Sasha’s shoulder.

“Please, Connie!” Sasha called from his other side, sounding like she was on the verge of tears as well.

“Don’t you start too. He needs us calm enough to support him. Besides, it’ll be awkward as hell if I’m the only one in here not crying.”

Sasha managed a weak smile at that. “You could always join in, sir.”

“Tch, then who’ll catch hyperventilating brats if they pass out? Breathe, Connie, we need you to slow down.”

“Come on, Connie, slow down for us,” Sasha encouraged. “I don’t think he hears us.”

“Give him a minute, the brat’s got a lot of shit to let out. Either he’ll come around or we’ll carry him to the couch and wait for him to wake up. Just keep doing what you’re doing.” The two continued to quietly encourage Connie as he wept, while Armin awkwardly stood in the doorway, unnoticed.

Connie eventually began to slow down after several more minutes of this. After one last shudder, he lifted his tear-streaked face from Sasha’s sodden shoulder. Levi silently held out a handkerchief, which Connie accepted after ending his embrace with Sasha and began wiping his face with. “Thanks,” he muttered, eyes downcast as a flush began to spread across his cheeks.

“Oi, don’t go getting embarrassed, brat. Soldiers are allowed to mourn. Hell, you’ve been on two expeditions now, you’ve probably seen plenty of that around the barracks after.”

“Captain’s right, none of us are gonna laugh at you or anything.” Sasha agreed.

The blush spread further as Connie muttered, ”Not like that. I’ve seen that, but not like I just did. Like I just proved what people in my village used to say about me being too small and weak to be a soldier. Still feel worse than I did after Trost…”

“You wouldn’t be on this damn squad if you were weak, brat. None of you would be,” Levi insisted while pinching the bridge of his nose. _Fuck, Erwin would know exactly what to say here_ he thought. “Look, I’ve never been good at the whole talking feelings shit, but it’s your fucking mom, brat. Anyone would drop more tears for losing their mom than for having some friends ate by fucking titans. Hell, I did.”

Connie finally looked up at this admission. “You did?” The three young scouts all cast shocked looks at their captain. “How’d you… get over it?”

“Tch, you don’t want that,” Levi replied, remembering Kenny’s oft-repeated threat of ‘Quit your fucking bawling or I’ll give you something to really cry about’. “Shit’s gonna be harder than losing friends, but you’re a strong brat so you’ll get through this shit just the same. Now get back to work. Those dishes better be fucking spotless when I get back down from cleaning upstairs.”

“Yes sir!” Connie and Sasha both gave crisp salutes before turning back to the wash basin. Levi then waved Armin over while walking to the closet they had stocked with cleaning supplies

* * *

“Wake up.” Eren mumbled something incomprehensible and rolled over, earning him more rough shaking. “Get your suicidal ass out of bed and stand watch.” Blinking, Eren saw Jean standing impatiently over him. Behind him, Eren saw Levi handing a rifle to Mikasa. Yawning, Eren stretched and kicked his blankets off before standing and taking the rifle Jean was holding out. “About time,” Jean grumbled before turning toward his own bed.

“Whatever, horse face… “ Eren sleepily mumbled while stepping into his shoes. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he tried to move quietly as he walked down the aisle between the beds that they had hauled up to convert the large room on the upper floor into an impromptu barracks. As he made his way down the stairs, he saw Mikasa walking out the front door. Turning to head out the back door to the other guard post, Eren was surprised to see Levi in the kitchen, putting a teakettle on the stove. “Sir? Aren’t you going to sleep?”

“Don’t worry about me, brat, go stand your watch.”

“Yes sir.”

* * *

“Eren, it’s time.”

Turning, Eren saw Mikasa standing with her rifle resting over her shoulder, in her other hand she was holding the pocketwatch she’d been trusted with to keep time on watch. “Finally. Armin and Historia are up next, right?”

“Yes.” She considered asking him to wrap the scarf around her again, but he quickly hurried past, eager to get back to his warm bed. Suppressing a sigh, Mikasa followed him inside.

As he began to climb the stairs, Eren was very surprised to see Levi asleep in an armchair that had definitely been downstairs earlier. It was positioned such that he had an easy view both down the stairs and out the back window. On one side there was a small side table with a teapot, an empty tea cup, and an extinguished candle on it. On the other side, a rifle was leaned against the wall. “Captain looks like he’s gonna get cold,” he worriedly whispered to Mikasa after they’d walked past.

“Good,” she whispered back before she bent down to shake Historia awake.

“Are you ever going to let that go?” Eren asked before continuing on to wake Armin.

Mikasa sighed as Armin and Historia walked towards the stairs. She knew it wasn’t a rational grudge, that the brutal courtroom beating had been part of a ruse to save Eren’s life. She knew, and yet she couldn’t change how she felt whenever she was reminded of having to watch it. “Good night, Eren,” she said instead of answering his question.

“Yeah, good night, Mikasa,” he told her as she slipped her shoes off and rolled into her bed. Turning towards his own bed, Eren frowned thoughtfully at the sight of his captain in the armchair.

On impulse, Eren grabbed the blanket from the one unused bed and quietly walked towards the stairs. Levi’s eyes opened halfway and regarded Eren sleepily as he draped the blanket over the chair. “Thought I said not to worry ‘bout me, brat,” he mumbled, half awake. “Get your ass to bed.”

“Yes, sir,” Eren replied as he finished tucking the blanket over Levi’s shoulders. “Good night, captain.”

“Brat, fuckin’ go sleep,” was his sleepy response. Satisfied, Eren made his way back to his own bed, where he fell asleep with a faint smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Isayama once said in an interview that singing is a popular pastime behind the walls and Mikasa is rather good at it, too bad he hasn’t drawn anyone singing yet. So, may as well write her having a bit of fun being a little shit with her hidden skill. The same interview also said throwing horseshoes is popular and Connie is great at it, maybe I’ll work that tidbit in later. I’m assuming here that Eren isn’t familiar with Levi’s odd sleep habits yet, since he spent most nights on the squad locked in the basement before this. As always, feedback is welcome.


	2. Perils of Laundry and Inattention

Armin’s lungs burned as he ran. _How many laps has this been?_ He wondered as they approached the front guard post again. Once again, Mikasa caught his eye and gave him an encouraging smile as he passed her post. _How long is he going to make us run_? He was starting to develop a stich in his side, but refused to fall further behind. 

Eren had warned them that squad Levi takes PT almost as seriously as cleaning. Armin had been expecting to be told how many laps to run, like how PT in the training corps worked, and so had been surprised after Levi finished leading them through a few stretches when he simply ordered “Brats, follow me,” and started running. Armin couldn’t even see his captain anymore. Eren and Jean were stubbornly running neck and neck right behind him, with Connie right behind them, Historia a bit further back, and Armin a couple meters behind her, bringing up the rear of the pack. 

“Yeah!” Sasha yelled from the rear guard post, waving as the runners came back in sight. “That’s 20 laps now, let’s gooooo! Come on Connie, you can catch up to those two! Historia, you’re doing great! Hang in there, Armin, you’re gonna make it!” she hollered as they trotted past. 

Armin flushed and returned his gaze to Historia’s back, struggling to keep pace with her. _Even Sasha doesn’t think I can catch up. What am I even doing here? Everyone else was in the top ten, why did the captain choose me? He said yesterday he thinks we’re all strong, but it’s obvious they’re all stronger than me,_ he thought, still stubbornly holding the pace. 

Suddenly he found himself catching up and realized she had stopped. Looking up he realized they were back in the clearing in front of the cabin. “Get some water and circle up,” Levi ordered. They gratefully picked up waterskins that Levi had set out earlier that morning when he had been waiting for everyone else to change into their PT gear, which was shorts, light shoes, and a short-sleeved shirt. He continued speaking as they drank, “We’re gonna do some hand to hand practice before calisthenics. Need to see what you brats can do before I wear you out.” 

“Easiest way is to spar each of you. Any volunteers?” Eren’s hand shot up at this. He was the only one who didn’t look nervous at the thought of sparring Levi. “Shit, Jeager, I already know what you can do. Let the rookies go first, then you can show off for them.” Eren grinned at this. His skills had improved considerably from training with the previous incarnation of squad Levi and he was gratified to not be called a rookie. 

“I’ll go,” Jean volunteered, stepping forward. He really didn’t want to, but didn’t see how he couldn’t since Eren had tried to step up first. 

Levi nodded. “Alright, try to hit me.”

Jean nervously approached with his hands up in a fighting stance. “Um, sir, aren’t you going to, uh…” Levi’s hands were still at his sides, confusing Jean. 

“Don’t worry about me, brat. If you land a good hit, it’s my own damn fault for being a cocky shithead. Now swing. And keep your teeth together if you don’t want to lose any.”

As he closed the distance, Jean threw a tentative jab with his left, which Levi easily slipped by flexing his right knee and leaning out of the way. He then threw another jab followed by a straight right, both of which Levi slipped, and then a left hook that Levi dipped under. _Punches could be worse_ , Levi thought. _Too bad his footwork’s just as shitty as Eren’s was. What the fuck are they teaching in the training corps?_ “Oi, keep your chin down. You’re wide fucking open.”

Jean tucked his chin lower and came on with another flurry of jabs and straights, which were slipped as before, and then a left hook to the body, which Levi allowed to land on his obliques to gauge Jean’s punching power. Jean followed that with a straight right, which Levi once again slipped before coming back with a body shot of his own that he pulled at the last moment, driving Jean back a step.

Levi took a short step forward with his left foot while throwing a light left jab; the punch landed on the point of Jean’s chin at the same time the foot came down, with Levi’s weight shifting forward with it. This was followed by a straight right that was synchronized with a short step with the right foot, bringing it up to just a little behind the left. Jean managed to cover up and catch that punch on his forearm. Levi then threw another pair of jabs, paused for a moment to see if Jean would take the opportunity to counter, then threw another followed by a left hook that snaked around Jean’s guard and tapped him on the cheek. 

“You weren’t completely terrible,” Levi pronounced as he took a step back. “Mainly need to work on moving around more. You don’t park your ass in one spot fighting a titan and you shouldn’t against people either. And keep your shoulders up when you punch.”

“Sir? My Shoulders?”

“You punched like this,” Levi explained, throwing a slow left jab and keeping his shoulders relaxed and down. He then kept the arm extended as he continued, “Jaeger did the same shit before I fixed him. If you slipped to your right when I punch all stupid like this, you could nail me right in the jaw with a right hook coming over the top of my punch. Or slash my neck if we’re using knives.” He then pulled his fist back and threw another slow jab, only this time he shrugged his shoulder up against his head as his fist went back out, providing cover for the side of his neck and jaw. “See the difference? I’m less likely to get fucked by a counter this way. Now who’s next?”

The others were now much less nervous looking, since their captain was obviously pulling his punches. “Ohh, I’m next!” Connie exclaimed, grinning as he stepped forward. He then dropped into an extremely low stance with both hands raised and slightly curled. 

“What in the absolute fuck are you doing?” Levi demanded, scowling deeply. 

“Sir? This is how I always spar.”

“You have got to be fucking shitting me. Why the… Why would you.. Whatever you call that shit, why?” Levi was flabbergasted. _He was in the fucking top ten, what the fuck?_

Connie stood back up, looking crestfallen. “Hand to hand training’s just another type of PT, right? Instructors hardly cared what we did, long as we kept moving.” 

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes, and took several deep breaths. “Look, this is serious shit. There’s a very real chance you all might be fighting for your goddamn lives against people soon if shit goes south and I’ll take it as a personal insult if any of you brats gets killed under my command. You seriously always goofed off? Was anyone else in my squad fucking around like that?”

“Um, yeah, I always partnered with Sasha.”

“Only you two? Yeager! I’m putting you in charge of un-fucking them. Give them however much extra training it takes to catch them up with everyone else. You’ll also assist me when training the rest of the brats in hand to hand. Got it?”

“Sir!” Eren saluted, looking excessively pleased with his new authority. 

“Alright, blondies, which of you is next?” Armin and Historia looked at each other for a moment before Historia stepped forward and raised her fists. Levi nodded as she approached and she responded with a pair of jabs that he slipped, a left hook he dipped under, and a right hook to the body that he allowed to land. Instead of pulling her fist back she stepped forward and to the left with her right leg while hooking her right arm behind his shoulder, going for a throw. Levi went with it to see what she’d do and found himself flipping through the air over the fulcrum of Historia’s hip after she pulled him across with both hands. 

Landing on a shoulder, Levi rolled back to his feet and turned back to his opponent. “Why the hell didn’t you follow up on the opening you made?” He threw a pair of jabs and a left hook as he continued, “My back was wide open.” He then threw another jab and paused a moment before following with a straight right, both of which she caught on her forearms. He then took a step back, ending the match. “Not as bad as I expected. When you went for the throw, you should’ve bent your legs when you pulled me. That way you could pop your hips up while I was going over and put a lot more power into it. Alright, Arlert, you’re up.”

Armin cautiously approached with his fists up. He had been watching Levi carefully, and so attempted to step with his first jab and straight right, though his timing was off. _He keeps ducking hooks_ , Armin thought, before throwing another pair of jabs and a hook to the head. _Got him!_ Armin thought triumphantly as Levi once again dipped under the jab. He immediately abandoned the hook and threw a straight right to the jaw. 

Levi rolled with the punch, taking half a step back and shifting his weight to rob it of impact as the corner of his mouth twitched up a millimeter. _About damn time one of the brats noticed the opening I kept giving them_ , he thought, pleased that someone was paying attention. Armin then attempted what he had seen Levi do to Jean, stepping into the gap with a Jab that was slipped and a straight right to the solar plexus, which landed. 

Armin winced, feeling like he had punched a brick wall. “Need to hit up and in there,” Levi corrected while stepping in with a short uppercut to Armin’s solar plexus, which he pulled at the last moment. “Shocks the shit outta the lungs,” he continued as Armin wheezed and took a step back. The captain then nodded in approval as Armin gritted his teeth and forced himself back into a fighting stance. Armin then stepped back in with another jab that Levi slipped, followed by an attempt at an uppercut to the chin that was avoided by leaning back a bit. _Brat doesn’t bring much to a brawl, but he’s got fucking grit_ , he thought as he leaned back in with a jab that landed on Armin’s guard, followed by a right hook to the head that Armin attempted to dip under. 

Unfortunately, his timing was off and he caught the punch right above his ear. Dazed, he shook his head. “That’s enough,” Levi declared while taking a step back. “Gotta work on your timing so all that new shit you’re trying actually works. And every one of you brats needs to learn how to throw your hips into a punch. Not one of you hit me as hard as you should be able to.”

He then looked to Eren and raised an eyebrow. ”Eager much? You’re squirming like you’re holding in a big load of diarrhea.” Connie and Jean laughed as Eren shrugged. “Fine, come on and show the other little shits what I expect them to learn.” Eren stepped forward in a fighting stance as Levi finally brought his fists up in a guard and continued, “Pay particular attention to how we step.” Both fighters were up on the balls of their feet with their knees bent, bobbing lightly as they stepped, with their heads and shoulders weaving slightly with the motion. 

Instead of coming straight on, Eren circled, approaching at an angle. Levi started to circle the same way, before suddenly moving the other direction and snapping a kick at Eren’s head. Eren bent at the knees, dipping under the kick, while attempting to grab the leg for a throw. It retracted too fast, so Eren surged forward with a pair of jabs that were perfectly synced with his steps and were both slipped.

They continued to circle each other while exchanging punches, bobbing, weaving, and slipping out of the way of most of the incoming hits and rolling with the impact of the ones that couldn’t be fully avoided. Eren threw another pair of quick jabs followed by a right cross that Levi avoided by lunging forward and to his left. As he straightened back up he pivoted toward Eren and threw a left hook toward his ribs which the shifter caught on his right elbow. 

Eren pivoted with the force of the punch and stepped forward with an overhand left punch that his captain avoided by slipping to his right and stepping forward, under the punch. Levi shot his left arm over Eren’s right shoulder and locked his arms behind Eren’s back before kicking his legs out from under him. “Shit!” Eren exclaimed as he went over backwards while Levi tightened the choke. “I can’t believe you stole my move,” Eren muttered while tapping Levi’s shoulder in surrender. 

Levi released the hold and sprang up to his feet before holding a hand out to Eren. “Can’t believe you hit me with that last time and didn’t expect me to figure it out,” he replied while pulling Eren back to his feet. “Now, calisthenics. You brats know how to do a burpee? No? Yeager, demonstrate a burpee.”

“Sir!” Eren squatted down, placed his hands beside his feet, kicked both his feet back into a pushup position, did one pushup, pulled his legs back into a squat, and then leaped directly up. 

“Alright, brats, try and keep up,” Levi ordered before starting a set of burpees. He then led them through a set of sit-ups, followed by push-ups, then squats, then more push-ups, then more sit-ups, and finally a set of squat thrusts. He then ordered them to drink more water while internally lamenting the lack of any low branches near the cabin that were thick enough to serve as pull up bars. 

“Quit bitching, brats, I didn’t even push you that hard yet,” he scolded his grumbling subordinates. “Yeager. Lead them through the basic footwork drills.” He spent the next half hour observing and occasionally offering suggestions as the squad followed the steps Eren was showing them. _Shit, wasn’t that long ago Gunther was showing that brat how to step_. He then checked his pocketwatch before ordering “Kirsten, Reiss, go get changed and relieve Ackerman and Braus, have them get their pt gear on and come here. Yeager, work on strikes.” Eren then led Armin and Connie over to where a couple punching bags had been hung from tree branches and began teaching how to punch correctly while Levi supervised. 

“Reporting for duty!” Sasha announced from behind Levi. Turning, he saw that her and Mikasa were standing at attention in their pt gear. 

He nodded to them. “Jeager. Keep working with those two. Leaving it up to you what to teach them. You two, follow along.” He then walked past Mikasa and Sasha to where the squad had been exercising earlier and began leading them through his preferred stretches. 

* * *

“They’ve done more laps than us, now,” Armin observed as he struggled in a clinch with Connie. Levi ran past, trailed shortly by Mikasa and Sasha, who were running side by side and didn’t appear winded yet. 

“Surprised?” Connie grunted as he threw Armin over his hip using the technique Eren had demonstrated. “Those two were the best runners in the whole 104th and the captain’s a beast!”

“Really?” Eren asked as Connie helped Armin back to his feet and squared off with him again. “I’m surprised Sasha is keeping up.”

“Didn’t you see how many punishment laps Shadis made her run?” Connie asked before it was his turn to fly through the air. “Sasha can keep that pace all day,” he proudly claimed, flat on his back. “I’ve seen her do it.”

* * *

Several laps later, the trio of runners had stopped for water. “Braus, I hear you didn’t take hand to hand training seriously.”

“Yes, sir, because it didn’t count towards our final scores. Most people trying for the MPs saved our energy for the things that did.”

“Tch, you actually wanted to be a pig?” 

“They eat well, sir and… I never wanted to go without again.” For a moment, there was a hint of an old pain in her eyes. 

“Hmm. That famine must’ve hit your village fucking hard.” She nodded at this. _No wonder the brat’s always trying to swipe food._ That habit still wouldn’t be tolerated, but Levi understood the reason behind it now. He remembered well what it was like to be a child who didn’t know where their next meal was coming from. _Wonder why she changed her mind?_ “Anyway, Jeager is going to be giving you and Springer extra training. Get you caught up with the rest of the brats.”

“Sir, can I train with Mikasa, too?”

Levi shrugged. “I’ve no objection to any of you helping each other train, so long as it doesn’t interfere with your other duties. And so long as she has something worth teaching you.” He then turned to face Mikasa.

“A hundred soldiers, huh? Heard the garrison gave you that nickname, wonder if they knew what they were talking about?”

“Sir,” Mikasa protested, keeping her face and voice carefully neutral, “please don’t insult team leader Ian. He gave his life to seal the gate.”

“Well shit.” Levi frowned deeper than usual. “Ian was one of the few actually worth a damn in that outfit.” Ian had been one of Eld’s friends from training and so had ended up drinking with the special operations squad on several occasions. _Shit, wonder if Eld knew?_ “I’ll take him at his word. So, how’s your ribs?”

“Healed. How’s your leg, sir?”

“Tch, I’m fine. Busted leg’s not as big a deal as busted ribs are. Spar me, show me what a hundred soldiers can do.”

She nodded, and then launched into a flurry of punches and kicks that were significantly harder and faster than what the other soldiers had thrown. Eren, Armin, and Connie quietly stopped what they’d been doing and moved closer to watch.

After slipping the first two punches, Levi brought his guard up and began weaving and circling like he had done against Eren. _Good, another brat paid attention to training. Too bad her footwork’s still shit,_ Levi thought. He then began throwing counters to test her defense, being careful not to hit her ribs, and was impressed when she continued to slip in attacks instead of just covering up like the others had done. _Kid’s got good reflexes. Almost… Almost like she already knows exactly what to do. Interesting_. “Alright, that’s good,” he pronounced while taking a step back. “You’re going to be fucking dangerous once I fix that shitty footwork they taught you. Now, do either of you know what a burpee is?”

* * *

Later that morning, as Levi made his rounds checking on everyone who was doing chores, he noticed Jean was sitting stock still next to the laundry tubs beside the cabin, pale as a sheet and with his gaze locked onto something on the ground. Frowning, Levi pulled a knife from a boot as he advanced, expecting to have to stab a venomous snake. “For fucks sake…” he grumbled when he saw the crumpled piece of fabric that had his subordinate terrified. “What the hell is your problem?” he asked as the knife went back into his boot. 

“I- I shouldn’t touch that!” Jean exclaimed. 

“Why? I thought you brats all took turns washing each other’s clothes in the training camps.”

“Only from our own bunkhouse!”

 _So that’s why Eren gave him the first turn. Shit, maybe the brat’s never seen a girl’s smallclothes._ “It’s just a piece of fabric, Kirstein. It needs cleaned.”

“But, sir, it was on-“

“The ground,” Levi interrupted. ”And the dirty pile before that.” Kneeling down next to Jean, Levi picked up the offending pair of panties, trying to ignore how touching anyone else’s dirty laundry made his skin crawl. “It’s just fabric.” He held it up, and Jean could clearly see the small tag on the waistband with the initials ‘MA’, causing him to blush. “There aren’t even any shit streaks to scrub off. It’s easy.” He then seized Jean’s arm, forced the underwear into his hand, and quickly dunked both of their hands into the washtub filled with soapy water. “See? It’s done. Soap is really incredible, you know. Makes everything clean.” He then moved Jean’s hand to the rinse tub filled with clear water before releasing it. “Was that really so hard?”

“It’s still weird, sir,” Jean replied while squeezing the underwear out. He then tossed it into the clean basket and continued, “I don’t think she’d like me touching her things.”

“Maybe weird for a moment the first time you do it. And the gloomy brat really wouldn’t like it if you gave her dirty drawers to wear. You’re doing something important for the squad, Jean. Other brats oughta appreciate it.”

“You think so, sir?” 

“Kirstein, do you know how many damn diseases you can catch by being a filthy little shit and not changing your clothes? Yeah, this shit’s important.”

* * *

After lunch, Eren and Jean were washing dishes while Connie quietly conversed with them. Elsewhere in the room, Levi was sweeping and Mikasa was filling up a waterskin. “Hey captain,” Connie called out as he turned away from the wash basin, “what’s a pro-kit?”

Hoping that he had heard wrong, Levi looked up from his sweeping. “What?”

“There’s a box in the medical cabinet that says ‘pro-kits’. It’s got all these weird round things in it and a tin of funny smelling herbs.” Connie then held up a thin disk that was wrapped in paper. “Jean and Eren don’t know what they are either.”

“Goddammit…” Levi muttered. “Were you brats not paying attention in class again?” Everyone else in the cabin watched as he snatched the disk. “It’s a prophylactic kit. This is called a condom, Connie. You wear it so you don’t knock girls up or catch the clap. You brats really didn’t know that?” He was hoping this was an elaborate prank, but the blank faces on the boys in front of him told him otherwise. _Fuck. I’m going to have to explain it to them. Fuck_. “Tell me at least you know what this is,” he said, turning to where Mikasa was standing with her waterskin. She promptly blushed and tried to hide behind her scarf. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Levi dryly stated. 

“You know?” Eren asked with a smile. _This’ll be easier than trying to get an answer out of the captain_ , he thought as he approached her. “Hey, can you show me and the guys how to wear a condom? I’ll-“ Mikasa suddenly punched him hard in the pit of his stomach. ”Why?” Eren wheezed as he crumpled to the floor in front of a furiously blushing Mikasa. 

“Tch, that’s what you get for not paying attention, brat. Ackerman, you’re dismissed. Feel free to kick him on your way out.” Mikasa fled the cabin at a sprint. “Jaeger,” he continued after the door slammed shut, “you just asked her to show you three how to wear something that goes on your dick, you dumbass.”

“Oh shit,” Eren groaned, blushing, as a thin plume of steam escaped from his shirt. 

“But why’s it go there?” Jean asked. 

“So you don’t get girls pregnant, like I said.”

Connie looked shocked. “But I’m not wearing one. What if I accidentally got one of the girls pregnant and didn’t know it?”

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. _This is gonna be a long fucking afternoon._ “That’s not how it works. You can’t knock someone up by just walking around, you have to fuck her.”

“Oh.” Half a second later, Connie continued, “How do I do that?”

“Are you asking physically how fucking works, or how to get a girl to go to bed with you?”

“Yes,” Jean answered eagerly, giving Levi the urge to beat his own head against the wall. He started a pot of tea instead. 

“Wait, remember when Reiner sneaked those dirty woodblock prints into camp?” Eren asked as he was getting off the floor. “You stick it in the girl’s mouth!”

“No,” Levi answered with a sigh, “you can’t get a girl pregnant that way.”

* * *

Sasha burst into the cabin prepared to give Eren a piece of her mind and possibly a taste of her knuckles. What she wasn’t prepared for was to see her captain looking extremely tired as he held up a broom that had a condom unrolled on the handle, while the three boys seated around the table watched him gesture at it. She stopped, jaw going slack. 

“Need something?” Levi dryly asked. 

“Um, yes sir, I need to yell at Eren.”

Levi shrugged. “Go ahead, I could use a break from talking.”

Permission granted, Sasha marched up to the table and planted herself firmly in front of the object of her ire. “Eren Jeager, you massive pervert lord, you should be ashamed of yourself!” Eren apparently agreed, since he flushed scarlet and buried his face in his arms as Sasha continued her angry tirade. “Just because she likes you doesn’t mean you can ask her to stick a condom on you in front of the other guys, you jerk! Why would you ask her something like that? You made her cry! And why didn’t you two say anything? I thought Mikasa was your friend!”

“Ah, we didn’t know what condoms were,” Jean explained, holding up his hands in a conciliatory gesture, “Connie was trying to ask the captain.”

“Yeah,” Connie proudly proclaimed, “now the captain’s teaching us about fucking!” Said captain, meanwhile, was squeezing the bridge of his nose hard and wishing he was fighting titans instead. 

“I can’t believe you guys didn’t pay attention in sex class,” Sasha stated, ignoring how often she’d goofed off in classes. “You still owe her an apology, Eren.”

“I know,” he stated, finally looking up, “you can tell her I’ll give her one.”

“Good,” she said while walking away from the table, “now that I’ve yelled at Eren, I need to go hug Mikasa. Good luck with them, captain!”

“Get the hell out unless you want to help answer questions.”

“Leaving now, sir!”

“Alright, brats where were we?” the coarse captain grumbled. 

“You were about to tell us how the dick goes in,” Jean volunteered. 

“Right. First you gotta get her ready, you can’t just jam it up there,” Levi began as Sasha struggled to contain her laughter until after closing the front door behind her. 

* * *

“It’s absolutely vital,” Levi’s voice drifted out the cabin window, “that you make sure she’s had a recent bath before you go down on her.” Seated on the ground below the window, Mikasa and Sasha leaned against each other as their shoulders shook with silent laughter. Both had a hand clamped tightly over their mouth in an attempt to avoid getting caught listening in. The instructors at the camp had been nowhere near so colorful, nor had they invited the cadets to drop the formalities and ask about anything they were curious about. Levi thoroughly regretted that offer, as the trio he was teaching were very curious, but he was true to his word, much to the amusement of the duo outside. 

“Why?” Jean asked. 

Levi was beginning to loathe that word. “Just trust me on this. The one time I didn’t insist was a really shitty experience. But that hasn’t been a problem since I figured out that girls willing to sleep with you are usually more than happy to take a bath with you. So try that.”

“Girls really like that?” Eren asked. 

“Shit, yeah. It’s really… shit, what was the word? You’re all close and together and it’s nice.” _Fuck, four eyes would know what I’m trying to say._ “And it’s also efficient. You can make sure she’s properly clean and get her ready at the same time.”

“So, like, get her soapy and grab her boobs?” Connie asked. Sasha slammed a fist down on her thigh as she continued shaking with barely contained mirth. 

“Dammit, I already told you not to stampede straight to the boobs, Springer. Fucking kiss her, and take your time at it. Do the small shit I told you about like nibbling on an earlobe. Build up slow and do it right. Hell, borrow Kirstein’s notes and study them, he’s writing this all down.”

“Hey, what’s the funny smelling tea in the box?” Connie asked. 

“It’s a medical tea, if a girl drinks a cup every day, then after a week she probably can’t get pregnant.”

“So we can use either the tea or a condom?”

“It’s two layers of protection and you brats should use both.”

“So,” Jean began, “that box means if I can convince one of the girls-“

“I’d rather you not,” Levi interrupted. “That box is there in case a couple of you decide to be stupid, so that you don’t get completely stupid. Use it if you have to, but long as we’re out in the woods like this, it’s best you take care of those urges yourself.”

“Huh?” Connie wondered. 

“He means wanking,” Eren clarified. 

“Hopefully, not in your bed,” Jean added, “ I heard too much of that back in training.”

“What?” Connie asked. 

“You, uh, weren’t exactly quiet,” Eren told him. 

“You guys could hear me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Outside, Sasha and Mikasa were now laughing so hard that tears ran down their faces. 

“At least you weren’t as bad as Reiner,” Jean offered. “Don’t worry about it, just do it somewhere else.”

“Like the outhouse!” Eren suggested. 

“Is that why you take so long in there?” Jean asked with a smirk. 

“Are we done here?” Levi asked. “Or do you brats have more questions?”

“I’m still not clear on why you said to think about dirty floors,” Eren admitted. Levi sighed deeply, and then narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the side window, which had made an odd sound like a snort. 

“That was just an example, that trick works if you think of anything boring or disgusting.”

“How do I get a girlfriend?” Jean asked. 

* * *

“Hey,” Eren called out as he approached where Mikasa was chopping firewood. “I messed up pretty bad in there,” he continued as she turned to look at him. “Look, I never would have said anything like that if I knew what I was talking about. Forgive me?”

“Finish chopping this wood for me and I will,” she replied, holding out the axe. 

“Deal!” he said, taking the axe. “I really wish I’d paid more attention in class so I didn’t embarrass you like that,” he continued while proceeding to work on the wood. 

“It’s ok, you didn’t miss much back then,” Mikasa informed him. “The instructors were all clinical and boring about everything, and they didn’t even cover half as many topics as the captain did.”

Eren missed the log he was swinging at and turned to see a rare smirk on Mikasa’s face. “You were listening?”

Feeling quite devilish, she followed Sasha’s advice and completed her payback by asking, “So, why do you spend so long in the outhouse?”

“Pooping!” Eren squeaked out as he flushed deeply and turned back to the wood pile. 

* * *

“It came to my attention earlier,” Levi announced at dinner, “that hand to hand isn’t the only class you brats goofed off at and at least three of you came to my squad without even knowing what a condom is. Does anyone else here have that deficiency?” he asked, looking at Armin and Historia. 

“No sir,” Armin answered. “Eren I told you, you needed to pay attention and stop drawing doodles of yourself killing titans!”

“It’s alright,” Eren replied, “Captain Levi taught us everything.”

“Yeah!” Connie piped up. “I bet you don’t know what a Trost tickler is!” 

Mikasa and Sasha burst into laughter as Armin looked confused and replied, “The instructors mainly told us about the different venereal diseases.”

“You brats can compare notes later,” Levi interjected, not wanting to hear any more. “How about you?” 

“Um, I don’t remember that part,” Historia admitted. 

“Remember that class where they taught us how to wear pads?” Sasha asked. 

“Yes, but not the rest of the class.” She blushed lightly as she continued, “Ymir kept distracting me.”

“Tch. Ackerman, Braus, take Reiss aside later and teach her what she needs to know.” He paused a moment before offering, “Ask me if you’re unsure of anything,” and hoping that he wouldn’t come to regret it. 

“Don’t worry, sir!” Sasha promised. “We’ll teach Historia all about Trost ticklers, Ehrmich twists, and all the rest!”

* * *

Grandpa Arlert fled, face twisted in fear, as multiple titans loomed over him, their faces mocking him. Armin was wearing ODM gear this time, but was still frozen, unable to intercede or even look away as his grandfather was torn apart and devoured. Armin desperately willed his fingers to move, but they were paralyzed on his triggers as the titans turned to him and one of them reached down. It roughly seized him and slowly began to open its mouth. 

“Oi, brat,” the titan said before it began shaking him. “It’s just a dream, wake up.”

Armin opened his eyes and saw Levi kneeling next to his bed, with a hand on Armin’s shoulder and a concerned look on his face. “You’re safe,” he told Armin in a low voice. “That battle was just a dream, there aren’t any titans near. We’re in the cabin. You’re safe.”

“How, how did you know it was titans?”

“You’re a scout. Not much else we have nightmares about. You feel like you can get back to sleep?”

Armin thinks a moment before replying, “No, sir, not yet.”

“Come sit downstairs till you’re ready, then. The rest of you brats, go back to sleep.” Levi led the way downstairs, grabbing the teapot and cup from the table next to his chair as he passed. 

“Captain? Thank you.”

“Tch. You see someone in the barracks having a nightmare, you wake them and you sit with them if they need it. That’s just how it is,” came the gruff reply, as if doing anything else would have been unthinkable. “Now sit.” He then placed a cup of tea in front of Armin, before claiming a seat for himself and taking a sip from his own cup. “You can talk about it if it helps.”

Armin took a sip of his tea. “I’ve never had tea like this before.”

“It’s called chamomile. Helps with sleeping.”

“Tastes nice.” Levi nodded his agreement and they drank in silence for a few minutes before Armin spoke up again, “It was my grandpa. I wasn’t actually there to see how they killed him, but I dream about it a lot.”

“That was a fucked up expedition. Sorry your grandpa wasn’t one of the ones we pulled out.”

“You were there? And how’d you know about grandpa, captain?”

“I read your dossiers before recruiting you brats to my squad. And the whole Corps was there, but we left about half our comrades on the field. That was our first expedition with Erwin as commander, back when I was still a team leader in squad Mike.”

“Why’d so many scouts die? Wouldn’t the titans go after the huge group of people on foot?”

“Yeah. It was stupid and impossible, but we tried to protect them. None of us could just watch.”

“Oh.”

* * *

As they came back in from their turn at watch, Eren and Mikasa were surprised to find Armin and Levi sitting at the table, drinking tea. “Another nightmare?” Eren asked.

“Yeah, but I’m almost ready to head back up,” Armin replied.

“Alright, see you in the morning,” Eren called out with a wave as he headed upstairs to wake the next watch.

“Aren’t you going down to check on him?” Mikasa asked in a whisper when Historia and Sasha were on their way down the stairs to stand the next watch.

“He said he’ll be up soon. The captain’s good at this stuff.” Mikasa looked highly skeptical at this idea. “I had a lot of nightmares when I had to get locked up in that castle basement at night. He never said much, but the captain would always wake me up and sit with me until I calmed down enough to go back to sleep.”

Mikasa still looked skeptical as Eren rolled into his bed. “He’s rude to everyone and has the nastiest mouth I’ve ever heard, and he did that? Weird.”

“Yeah. I asked the other people on his old squad, and he’d done it before for all of them too.” They both turned at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, then Mikasa quickly dove under her covers. 

“Goodnight, Eren,” she whispered to him as Armin’s head came into view. 

“Yeah, goodnight” 

* * *

“Did you hear what Eren did last night?” Sasha whispered to Historia as the next watch made their way down stairs. 

“Yeah. You want to do it?” 

“Sure, unless you want to try first.”

“You’re the hunter. See if you can do it without waking him up,” Historia replied with a smile. 

Grinning, Sasha stepped out of her boots, snatched the blanket from the unused bed, and then crept, silent as a shadow, to the chair their captain was sleeping on. She slowly eased the blanket up and began to move it forward, grinning triumphantly.

Suddenly, a sliver of steel grey was gazing at her through a tiny gap in his eyelids. “Fuck’re you still wake for, fuckin’ eavesdroper?”

She froze, grin disappearing. “You knew?”

“Let that shit slide, cause needed to get that fucking bullshit done with,” he grumbled sleepily. 

“Oh.” She quickly finished tucking the blanket over him. “Good night, sir.”

“Get your sorry ass in bed. Shitty brats, don’t laugh so loud next time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a bit longer than I expected. Guess I'm still too much of a perfectionist for my own good, this has the first fight scene I've done in years and it took forever to get it to where I wanted. I think I actually spent more time shadowboxing to make sure the choreography flowed well than I did actually typing...


	3. Chapter 3

The upstairs bunk room was a cacophony of laughter and shouting when Levi stepped out from behind one of the improvised dressing screens made of sheets that had been strung up in two opposite corners of the room. “Oi!” he bellowed, bringing the noise to a halt. “The fuck is going on?”

“Horse tent!” Eren proudly proclaimed with a wide grin, earning a glare that clearly demanded a more thorough explanation. He was more subdued when he elaborated, “Uh, Jean woke up with a boner, sir.” Jean looked absolutely mortified, while Eren, Mikasa, Sasha, and Connie looked highly amused.

“Fuck’s sake, you brats should have gotten laughing at shit like morning wood out of your system your first year in the training corps,” Levi grumped.

“But captain,” Connie spoke up, “there’s _girls_ in the room!”

“So? Didn’t you little shits have training exercises where mixed groups would go camping with just bedrolls?”

“Yes, sir,” Sasha answered from where she was still sitting in bed, “but that never came up.”

“Oh shit,” Connie laughed, “good one.”

Levi sighed as most of his squad laughed at Sasha’s double entendre. “Well now it has and you brats need to grow the fuck up and deal with it. Hell, you should be happy someone here managed to actually have a nice dream for once instead of waking up with a fucking nightmare.” This sobered the room. Not a night went by without at least one of them waking up loudly. “Look, this shit happens. None of us can control what we dream, so next time it comes up, try being a little more fucking mature and ignore that shit. Now quit fucking around. And you,” he turned to Jean at this, “hurry up, we’re supposed to be cooking breakfast right now.” That said, he turned and marched toward the stairs.

* * *

After hurriedly dressing and rushing downstairs, Jean saw that Levi was busy slicing vegetables at the kitchen counter. “Thank you for that, sir,” he said as he approached the kitchen.

Levi shrugged at this. “Brats were annoying me. You shouldn’t just sit there, though. Shittalking each other’s part of being on a squad, Jean. You gotta give it back as good as you get. Say something like ‘at least I have enough to see through the blanket’, don’t just take that shit.”

“I’ll have to remember that one, sir,” Jean replied as he began cracking eggs into a bowl. “I was too embarrassed to think of anything. But what if a girl says something?”

“Ask why she’s looking so close, with your tone of voice making _all_ the damn implications. You still want to make omelets like the other brats were begging you for last night? Could just scramble this all up in a hash instead.”

“Yes, sir, I promised everyone I’d make mom’s recipe and I’ve been looking forward to eating it.”

“And you get a chance to teach me some shit for a change. Alright, let’s see if this shit’s as good as they say.”

Jean was smiling now as he rubbed oil on a hot pan. “Yes, sir! The key is in the technique, cooking one thin layer at a time and rolling them together.”

* * *

“You picked that up fast, sir,” Jean remarked as Levi placed his third rolled omelet onto the warming tray on the back of the stove, along with the four Jean had made.

Levi shrugged at the compliment while Jean poured the last of the egg mix into his own pan. “Why wouldn’t I? You demonstrated the method clearly enough.” He then glanced over at the table, where Eren and Connie were staring hungrily at the stack of omelets. “You three go ahead and start eating, I’m going to see why gloomy and the glutton aren’t down yet.”

“Huh, and Sasha wanted to learn the recipe,” Jean remarked as Levi made his way to the stairs. “Weird.”

Coming to the top of the stairs, Levi saw that Sasha was still sitting in bed, looking miserable curled up with the covers pulled up to her chin, and that Mikasa was sitting on the edge of the bed, talking quietly with her. “Shit, just what I needed…” he grumbled as he rushed to the bedside and pressed the back of his hand against Sasha’s forehead to check for a fever.

“She’s not sick, sir.”

Levi raised an eyebrow and looked skeptically at Mikasa. “She’s not eating breakfast.”

“It’s uh… she’s having really bad cramps,” she explained, looking very uncomfortable.

Levi nodded and straightened back up. “Good, I’ve got something for that.” He then turned on his heel and hurried back to the stairs.

“Did the cap’n just say it’s good that I’m crampin’ up?” Sasha asked, accent slipping out slightly.

Mikasa shook her head. “That shorty’s a real wierdo, no telling what he’s thinking. But they should be done with the stove soon and I can start heating up water to sit you in.”

Sasha forced a small smile at this, which slipped when their captain’s footsteps suddenly reversed direction up the stairs. “Shit, I think he heard you,” she whispered.

“Oi, brat,” their captain began, ”you feeling nauseated, or is it just your guts cramping up too hard to shove any shit down your piehole?”

“Both,” Sasha replied, surprised, “and my head hurts mighty awful, too.” He nodded and headed back downstairs.

* * *

“Oh damn,” Connie exclaimed around a mouthful of omelet, “this tastes like _home_!” Jean couldn’t help but smile at the praise.

Eren nodded agreement as he swallowed a bite. “Mom recipes are the best. Hey, thanks for making this, even though we were all dicks to you this morning.”

“Yeah, sorry about that, man,” Connie added.

“It was just bad luck,” Jean replied, feeling magnanimous after all the praise. “Would’ve happened to whoever the first guy caught like that was.”

“Unless it was the captain,” Connie pointed out.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Eren breathed, “that woulda been awkward.”

“What would be awkward if it was the captain?” their captain asked as he came down the stairs.

“Um, if you’d been the first one, you know, instead of Jean, sir” Eren explained.

“Tch, brats…”

“Are they alright, sir?” Connie asked, sounding worried, as Levi began to dig through the medical cabinet.

“Yeah, just a little bleeding problem.”

“I hope she doesn’t need stitches.”

“What?” Levi shook his head as he carried three tins over to the counter. “Not that type of bleeding, Springer, the monthly type, like I told you brats about yesterday.”

“Oh.”

“Sir, I thought you said it’s no big deal?” Eren asked.

“Usually.” Levi began to add pinches of herbs from the tins to an empty teapot. “That shit usually won’t stop a soldier from carrying out her duties, but still hurts and sometimes it gets rough.”

“How rough, sir?” Jean asked, looking concerned as Levi poured hot water from the kettle into the teapot.

“Ever have a knot in your leg muscle from training hard the day before?” Levi frowned as he considered the now-empty kettle. The trio eating nodded. “And then you limped out to the training field and got kicked right in the knot? I’ve had it described to me as kinda like that, happening repeatedly, mixed with a hangover, only the knot’s in your gut and you’re also really fucking tired,” he continued as he placed the teapot on a tray along with a teacup and a cloth soaked with cold water. He then approached the table with a waterskin and, frowning deeply, began to pour the delicious smelling contents of the teapot that had been waiting for him into the waterskin.

“Captain? What are you doing?” Eren asked, confused.

“Heat helps cramps,” was the curt reply as Levi hurried upstairs with the loaded tray.

* * *

“Tea?” Sasha asked when she saw what was on the tray Levi sat on the small nightstand next to her bed.

“It’s a blend of three medicinal teas,” he explained as he carefully placed the cold compress on her forehead. “Now take this and hold it to where you’re hurting,” he instructed while holding out the waterskin. “You’ll probably need two if it’s in your back.”

“I’m fine, sir,” Sasha insisted, shaking her head. She blushed lightly at the thought of the captain seeing the sticky blood she could feel on her hands.

“Tch, stubborn brat. Stop trying to tough it out and take the damn waterskin.” When she made no move to do so, he seized a corner of the blanket and began to lift it, then sighed and released it when she grabbed the blanket and began shaking her head harder, flinging off the compress. “Made a mess, huh?”

“I’m sorry!” Sasha suddenly bawled, flushing deeply as she teared up. “I didn’t mean to make a mess!”

“Oi, Sasha, easy,” he said as he replaced the cold compress on her forehead. “this shit happens.”

“But it’s _everywhere_!” she wailed.

“It’ll clean up easy enough,” he attempted to reassure her, awkwardly placing a hand on top of her head. “we’ve got a big-ass pile of soap and gallons of bleach downstairs, so calm your ass down.”

“It’s hot,” Mikasa remarked after picking up the waterskin. “Take it before it gets cold, Sasha.”

“I can’t,” Sasha sniffled, “it’s on my hands.”

“Tch, everyone here’s seen blood before. You’re being like Jean was now, getting all embarrassed over shit you can’t control.”

“And now you’re making me feel bad for laughing at him…”

“Just take the damn waterskin, you’ll feel better.”

‘I’ll slide it under the blanket,” Mikasa offered while doing so, “we won’t see anything that way.” _I wish someone showed us this trick back in training_ she thought as her friend took the waterskin.

“This is nice,” Sasha remarked after curling around the hot waterskin. “You’re really a nice captain.”

“Tch, you shouldn’t lie to your officers like that,” he replied as he stood.

“But it’s true,” she insisted while Mikasa looked skeptical.

“You might not think that when you taste your medicine, the willow bark in the headache tea’s fucking nasty. Needs to steep for another four minutes and you make sure she drinks it all,” he instructed Mikasa.

“Sir?” Mikasa asked, still skeptical about the tea, “How do you know these things?”

“Brat, I’m not a damn priest, and I’ve had female subordinates and friends before. Easy to pick this shit up.” _And also had an angry discussion with a doctor,_ he silently recalled, remembering the time Isabel had come to him in a panic because she was bleeding, and he had carried her at a run to the nearest doctor and nearly stabbed the man when he started laughing.

Wanting to make sure the medical tea was used, Levi elaborated when Mikasa still looked unconvinced, “My old squad medic taught me about the cramp tea, sometimes I had to make it for her when she had them bad. And a woman in the Shiganshina garrison I used to know showed me the waterskin trick. The headache and nausea teas I can personally vouch for. It works, make sure she drinks it.”

“That’s a weird thing to show a guy, sir,” Sasha remarked.

He shrugged at this. “I told her she looked stupid walking around with a waterskin tucked into the front of her pants and she told me why she had it. _After she told me to go fuck myself_ , he silently recalled. “Now, Ackerman, if I send one of the other brats to fetch Reiss, can the two of you help her get clean?”

“I’m not crippled, sir!” Sasha protested.

“I can help her fine by myself, sir” Mikasa insisted.

“You sure?”

She nodded firmly. “Yes sir!”

He returned her nod. “If you do need any help, I’ll be downstairs. Going to send the other brats out and fill a washtub with cold water you can soak everything bloody in.”

“Sir, how will soaking in cold water help me?” Sasha joked with a faint smile.

“Everything cloth, smartass,” Levi amended. “You need to sit your ass in a hot bath, I’ll call up when It’s ready,” he continued before heading back to the stairs.

“I’ll be right back with cleaning stuff,” Mikasa promised before following him.

“Thanks, both of you!”

* * *

“Is Sasha ok?” Connie asked when he saw Levi and Mikasa hurrying down the stairs.

“Better than she was,” Levi informed them before he began pumping water into a large cooking pot. “Jeager, when you three brats are done eating, take them outside and show them how to use a knife.”

“Yes, sir!” the young shifter replied while springing to his feet. “Hey, Mikasa, that’s for the captain’s tea!” Mikasa froze, halfway through pouring the hot water from the kettle into a bucket.

“Tea can wait,” Levi pronounced, looking grim. “We need the hot water for other things first.”

* * *

“This is a bit awkward,” Sasha joked as Mikasa peeled back the blanket.

“Better me than the shorty,” Mikasa replied, drawing a chuckle from her friend.

“True,” she agreed as she leaned back and carefully pushed her skirt and panties down, wincing as the sticky fabric pulled away from her skin. “And at least I wasn’t wearing those damn white pants.” It had not been uncommon in the girl’s barracks at the training camp to hear curses hurled at whoever had decided to put white pants in the uniform.

“Here,” Mikasa offered, holding out a hot, damp washcloth to Sasha as she swung her legs over the side of the bed.

“Thanks, I owe you one,” she stated as she began to scrub at her legs.

Mikasa shrugged as she turned to take the blanket and dirty clothes downstairs. “You’ve done the same for me.” She wasn’t sure exactly how or when the energetic and sometimes annoying brunette had wormed her way into what she considered family, but somehow Mikasa had found a sister in the training corps.

* * *

“Blegh, the captain wasn’t kidding,” Sasha complained later as she took her first sip of tea. “Are you sure we don’t have any honey or sugar downstairs?”

“I looked and asked the captain.”

Sasha sighed and took another sip, grimacing at the taste. “I’m going to go find a beehive if this stuff works. No way I’m putting up with this taste for a week.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Try it!” Sasha held out the cup as he continued, “Go on, take a sip!”

“Nope, shorty said you have to drink it all.”

“Because the captain doesn’t know you always start around when I do. May as well get a head start on drinking this crap.”

“I’ll see if it works on you first. Besides, I don’t have a headache or nausea.”

Sasha chuckled at this. “Lucky.”

“So far.”

This drew another chuckle from Sasha. “Welcome back to hell week. Want the waterskin?”

Mikasa shook her head. “I’ll get one later, I think you need it more than me right now.”

“You know, you’re the best sister I’ve ever had,” the brunette declared with a smile. Mikasa laughed quietly at their inside joke; neither of them had ever had a sister before. “Hey, it’s a big tub down there. You can share the soak if you want.”

“I’ll be fine with a hot waterskin, thanks.”

“Oi, brats!” Levi bellowed from downstairs. “Bath’s ready!”

* * *

Eren was supervising Connie and Jean practicing with wooden training knives when Levi stepped out the front door. He paused and leaned against the wall for a few minutes, watching as they went through one of the first drills Kenny had taught him years ago, checking an incoming attack with their free hand while stepping off the line of attack and countering with their own knife. _Brats are finally stepping right_ , he mused approvingly. _Eren’s not a bad teacher, must have more patience than I thought_. “Oi,” he called as he stepped out into the training yard.

“Captain,” Connie called back, “is Sasha alright?”

“Sure, she should be fit for duty after she drinks her medicine and soaks her ass for a while.”

Connie still looked worried. “She doesn’t need more time to recover?”

“Sasha’s a soldier, brat, and a tough one. If she can stand, she can work. Some of you will have to trade chores with her, though, I’ve restricted her to light duty for the next week. I’ll let you work that out among yourselves. And she won’t be going with you on the supply run today, Jean, you can take Connie instead. You remember where to find the dead drop?”

“Yes, sir,” he replied, “I’ll bring back any messages!”

Levi nodded and pulled a folded piece of paper from a pocket. “I see you brats added a few things to the list.”

“Yes, sir, we pooled our money for a few things we’d like,” Eren replied.

“You sure you have enough? We haven’t had a chance to collect our pay since before the expedition,” He pointed out while handing the list to Jean.

“Not really, but we’ve agreed on which things are more important if it’s not enough,” Jean answered.

Levi sighed as he pulled out his wallet and opened it. “Pay me back when you can. Eren, go relieve Historia.”

* * *

As she came back into the kitchen to take a pair of omelets, Mikasa was pleased to discover there was already hot water in the kettle sitting next to the warming tray on the back of the stove. _Maybe that weird shorty isn’t so bad_ , she thought as she poured its contents into a waterskin. She then tucked it into the front of her skirt and sighed in relief before she placed two of the omelets on plates and carried them back to the wash room.

“Breakfast in the bath was such a great idea,” Sasha greeted her as she handed over one of the plates. ”How you like that waterskin?”

“It helps,” she replied as she perched on one of the crates in the room.

Sasha took a bite of omelet and chewed thoughtfully before she swallowed. “It’s good, but I don’t see how it beat my roast boar.”

“Wasn’t commander Pixis drunk?”

Sasha swallowed another forkful. “So, Jean didn’t beat me fairly after all, it was just a fluke!” She took another bite before continuing, “Still, this is good, I need to know how to make it.”

* * *

“Fuck,” Levi stated flatly when he saw that the kettle was empty. _No time to make another_ , he glumly thought as he trudged to the back door to relieve Armin from watch duty.

* * *

“Hey, Connie, help me out here,” Jean requested, holding up two spools of red thread, “which is closest to Mikasa’s scarf?”

“I dunno, man, they’re both pretty close,” he answered, scratching the back of his neck nervously, “and she can’t be picky, that ratty scarf needs mended bad.”

“Connie!”

“And it’s not even all the same color anymore, because she’s always sweating on it in training. Maybe you can get some dye to even it out, so it doesn’t matter which you pick.”

“Connie?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a genius.”

“I am?”

* * *

“Captain, I’m here to relieve you,” Mikasa announced as she approached the rear guard post.

Levi raised an eyebrow at the waterskin tucked into the front of her skirt. _So there’s where my hot water went. Those two brats must’ve bunked together in training._ “You feeling alright?” he asked while handling over his rifle.

“I’m fine, sir.”

“Did you try the tea?”

“I did, sir.” Before any more awkward questions could be asked, she continued, “And we started a pot of regular tea, sir.”

He nodded as an expression of relief briefly crossed his face. “Well done, Mikasa. You’ll be on light duty as well this week, no situps.”

“Yes, sir,” she replied as he walked briskly toward the cabin.

* * *

“Armin, Eren, come check this out!” Jean called with a grin as he dismounted his horse.

“Is that what I think it is?” Eren asked when Jean pulled a bottle out of his saddlebags.

“Yeah, we got some beer!” Connie confirmed excitedly.

“Keep your voice down,” Armin instructed in a conspiratorial tone. “We need to hide this before Captain Levi sees, or he’ll have us all scrubbing the outhouse with toothbrushes.”

“I was going to hide it in the stable,” Jean informed him.

“Good, Eren and I have stable duty today, we’ll keep it safe,” Armin promised.

“And then we can all go out there later and drink it,” Eren announced happily.

“Or you can drink it with dinner, like normal people,” Levi dryly suggested, causing all four to jump.

“C-captain!” Jean stammered as he tried to hide the bottle behind his back.

“Why are you hiding a beer behind your back?”

“Sorry, captain.” Jean said, as he held the bottle out. All four nervously waited to hear what their punishment would be.

“What? No, I’m not thirsty.” Levi was well sated with tea at the moment.

“Huh?” Jean wasn’t sure he’d heard right.

“Captain, aren’t we in trouble?” Armin asked.

“What?” Levi blinked, took another look at the four boys standing nervously in front of him, and choked down the urge to laugh at them. “Brats. You aren’t in the training corps anymore. You’re allowed to drink, just don’t be drunk on duty or I’ll kick your ass.”

“So it’s ok? Really, sir?” Connie asked hopefully.

“You’ve been regularly risking your lives for humanity since you graduated. Yes, you can have a damn beer, same as any other soldier. Now, were there any messages?”

“Yes, sir,” Jean answered before he dug a letter out of his saddlebags and handed it over.

Levi quickly perused the letter, which was written in a simple code that Hange had created where innocent phrases carried hidden meanings. “Shitty glasses squad will be here in a few days to poke at you, Eren. Going to mainly be hardening experiments. Probably going to have to shift most of your chores off you to make time for her.”

* * *

“Hey, guess what?” Connie called as he approached the target range where Sasha was practicing with her bow.

“A boar attacked you two and you brought back the meat?”

“I wish. But no, something else good. We bought beer!”

“Really? How’d you sneak that past the captain?”

“Uh, we didn’t. He caught us, but said it’s ok. We’re having beer with dinner!”

“Oh wow, that’s great!”

“Hey Sasha?”

“Yeah?”

“Why’s there a waterskin sticking out the top of your skirt?”

“Didn’t the captain teach you about that?”

“Uh, well, he told us all kinds of stuff about being on the rag-”

“Monthlies, Connie,” Sasha interrupted.

“Huh?”

“You know how the captain has a really dirty mouth?”

“Ohhh… “

“Yeah.”

“Ok, the captain told us a bunch about monthlies, but he didn’t say anything about wearing waterskins.”

“It’s full of hot water, that makes the cramps hurt less.”

“Oh. What’s it like?”

“Hold on, let me think of a way to explain it you’d understand.”

“Hey! I know I don’t have a big brain like Armin, but I’m not dumb!” Connie protested.

“That’s not how I meant, Connie. It’s mostly a feeling in parts you don’t have. Like if I asked you how dick problems feel.”

“Dick problems?”

“Yeah, that’s a thing, right?”

“I don’t know, maybe? I’ll have to ask the captain. But I get what you’re saying. Like one time, I accidentally sat on my balls, and it really sucked, but I don’t know how I’d describe it to you.”

“You what? How do you even do that?” Sasha asked incredulously.

“I don’t know! I went to sit down, and suddenly was hurting and fell out of my chair and then everyone was laughing! It really sucked!”

“Oh. Well, so does this. It’s like… You ever have really bad diarrhea? And you’re trying to hold it in to make it to a chamberpot or something?”

“Yeah.”

“Now imagine you can’t just squat and relieve yourself, and the pain and pressure lasts for a week. And also, chunky blood keeps oozing out of your dick.”

“Chunky?”

“Yeah, chunky.”

“Why chunky?”

“I don’t know, it just has chunks. But that’s how monthlies normally are for me. Bad ones, like today, are like that with someone strong kicking you in the gut over and over, and also you have a headache, feel like throwing up, and are really, really tired.”

“Oh, damn.”

“And really bad ones, instead of getting kicked in the gut… imagine Mikasa kicking you in the lower back.”

“Shit…”

“Yeah.”

“Hey, um, is there anything I can do to help?”

“I guess you could get me another waterskin when this one goes cold. And were you able to get that thing I asked for?”

“Oh, yeah, here!” He pulled a small package wrapped in paper from a coat pocket and handed it over. “I couldn’t get much, cause it was kinda expensive…”

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” she exclaimed when she unwrapped it and found a thick slice of deer jerky. “Here,” she broke off a piece and offered it to Connie, “I want you to have some for being awesome.”

“Thanks!” he exclaimed as he took his piece.

“I need to give part to Mikasa, too,” she said as she broke off another piece and wrapped it back in the paper. “She’s helped me so much today.” She then pocketed it while taking a bite from the piece she’d kept for herself. “Hey Connie,” she asked after she swallowed her first bite, “want to help find some bees?”

“We’re getting honey?”

“The captain’s medicine works really good, but it tastes horrible.”

“Hey, I’m making breakfast tomorrow with Eren. If we get enough, we can make my mom’s honeycake recipe.”

“You know how to make honeycakes? Well come on, let’s give Mikasa her meat and get going!”

* * *

“Are you sure the bees won’t sting us?” Mikasa asked.

“Sure, I used to do this all the time as a kid,” Sasha assured her.

“Yeah, the smoke keeps them away!” Connie added as he threw another handful of wet grass onto the small, smoky fire that was burning under the bee hive, while Sasha waved a fan she’d made from paper at the smoke plume, guiding it to the hive. “We’re gonna show you how country kids get dessert,” he proudly proclaimed as he hefted a large stick.

“I was a country kid,” Mikasa protested.

“You grew vegetables in the mountains,” Sasha corrected as Connie thwacked the evacuated hive. “You’re gonna learn how to run in the woods now.”

“What happens to the bees?” Mikasa asked.

“Oh, they just build another hive,” Sasha explained as Connie took another swing. “As long as we harvest before midsummer, they have plenty of time to store honey for the winter.”

“Here it comes,” Connie promised as the hive began to wobble. He hit it again, grunting with the effort, and the hive crashed down at their feet, splitting open.

Sasha wasted no time before plunging a hand into the hive and ripping out a dripping handful of comb. “This is the best thing ever that isn’t meat!” she declared before taking a big bite of the sticky mass.

“Go on, try it!” Connie urged around a gooey mouthful of honeycomb. “Fresh from the hive’s the best!” Mikasa carefully reached into the hive, hoping that she wasn’t about to be stung, and withdrew a handful of hot, sticky honeycomb. She carefully took a small bite, then promptly took a larger one, sweetness flooding her mouth as honey ran down her chin. “Aw, yeah, we made her smile!” Connie shouted, pumping a fist in the air in excitement at the faint smile the honey drew out.

“I knew you’d love it!” Sasha exclaimed, slapping Mikasa excitedly on the back and leaving behind a sticky handprint. “We’ll make a country kid out of you yet!”

* * *

“Much better,” Levi declared as Historia checked Jean’s swing and countered with a side-step and a thrust of her own training knife at his ribs, which he avoided by twisting his torso out of the way as he stepped the other direction and withdrew his knife. “Now- What the fuck?” he spat out, eyes widening. Turning to see what had alarmed their captain, Historia and Jean saw Mikasa, Sasha, and Connie walking out of the woods. Each of the three was carrying a large cooking pot and their arms were coated up to the elbows in a sticky-looking substance that was also smeared across their faces and spattered over their clothes. “What the fuck did you brats _do_?!” he demanded, aghast, as he strode up to the sticky trio with Jean and Historia following in his wake.

“We got honey, captain!” Sasha proudly proclaimed with a wide grin.

Levi sighed. “Why are you three covered in it? And why are the two of you carrying so much when you’re on light duty?”

“Harvesting honey’s dirty work, sir,” Sasha explained, “and I only had to grit my teeth a few times. Bringing this much honey back is totally worth the pain!”

“Where did you even get honey?” Jean asked.

“From bees, duh,” Connie replied, smiling widely. 

This only made Jean more curious. “But how?”

“From their hives,” Mikasa stated.

“Yeah!” Sasha piped up. “Country kids like the three of us know how to do things like that!”

“Can we have some?” Historia asked eagerly.

“Grab a handful!” Connie offered, “We got enough for everyone!”

“Just grab it?” Jean asked hesitantly as Historia reached into the pot Connie was holding out.

“Go on, city boy,” Sasha teased, “it won’t sting you. You should try some too, captain!”

Glaring at the sticky mess he saw running down Historia and Jean’s chins and arms, he shook his head firmly. “Not a fan of sweets. Jean, Historia, when you’re done gorging yourselves, carry Mikasa and Sasha’s pots for them. And I expect all of you brats to be clean before dinner.” He then turned and left before he would have to see any more of the mess.

“Hey, I’ve got more good news,” Connie stated, “we got enough to make honeycakes for breakfast.”

“I used to love when mom brought honeycakes back from the market,” Jean recalled with a wistful smile.

“My mom taught me how to make them,” Connie bragged, chest puffed out proudly.

“Are those normal things moms do?” Historia asked.

“Ah, yeah, and you’re really going to love honeycakes,” Jean told her.

“Yeah, they’re gonna be awesome!” Connie added.

“Guys, I’m not going to break,” Historia spoke up. “I’m just curious.”

“Yes,” Mikasa spoke up, “both of my moms liked to take time to teach me how to do things. It’s very normal.” Historia nodded thoughtfully at this.

“Hey, Mikasa,” Jean spoke up, “You’ll probably want to wait till we’re clean, but I got that thread you wanted.”

“Thanks.”

When Jean didn’t continue, Connie spoke up, “And he got you some dye, too, cause he noticed the color needed fixed.” He then winked at Jean, who looked flustered.

She nodded. “How much do I owe you for it?”

“Ah, no, don’t worry about it,” he replied.

“Are you sure, Jean? Dye isn’t cheap.”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“He got a good deal on it,” Connie added, “so don’t feel bad about the price.”

“Alright, thanks.”

* * *

“Alright, that’s enough cups,” Historia announced as she and Armin placed a double row of teacups on the table between where they were eating dinner.

“Do I want to know what you brats are up to now?” Levi asked.

“We’re serving the beer, sir,” Armin announced, holding up the bottle.

“You only bought one bottle? Have any of you brats ever drank before?”

“One time,” Historia recalled, “Ymir smuggled in a a bottle of schnapps and shared it around the girls’ barracks.”

“And you drank too much and embarrassed yourself!” Sasha added with a laugh.

“What happened?” Armin asked.

Historia laughed. “I accidentally mistook Mikasa for Ymir and kissed her.”

“How much did you drink, half the bottle?” Connie asked as laughter rang out around the table. “They look nothing alike!”

“Everyone looked blurry and they’re about the same height!” Historia explained, still laughing as she began passing cups of beer around the table.

“And Ymir wasn’t very happy about it,” Mikasa added, deadpan.

“Understatement of the week, right there,” Sasha said.

Historia added, “It was her fault for making me drink so much.”

Levi raised a hand as a cup was passed to him. “Don’t worry about me, you brats can have it all.”

“Come on, captain, drink with us!” Connie requested eagerly.

“Please, sir?” Sasha urged, echoed shortly after by Armin and Historia.

“Are you sure there’s enough to go around?” Levi asked, relenting. “I don’t want any of you going without on my account.”

“We’ve got plenty, and cups set aside for Eren and Jean when they get off watch!” Connie promised.

“What happened next with the schnapps?” Armin asked after Levi accepted a cup.

“So first Ymir threatens to punch Mikasa,” Sasha continued the story, “and she gave Ymir the death glare, then Ymir threatened to get revenge on Krista by kissing Annie, and _she_ gave Ymir the death glare from the other side, then Historia looks up at Ymir and goes ‘Mikasa, why are you yelling at everyone?’” Laughter rang out around the table again at this.

“Eventually, Historia stopped clinging to me and figured out who the right Ymir was.”

“Yeah, and Ymir calmed down when I finally kissed the right girl,” Historia concluded.

“Finally? Wait, Historia, how many girls did you kiss that night?” Connie asked.

“At least two?” she replied with a shrug.

“Also Mina,” Mikasa added.

“And she just laughed and said ‘nope, keep trying’, turned Historia so she was facing Ymir, and gave her a push,” Sasha elaborated. 

“Mina always had a good sense of humor,” Historia recalled with a fond smile.

“Yeah, she did,’ Armin agreed.

Sasha continued, “then she went after Hannah, but she just stepped out of the way so Historia ran into Ymir and the two lovebirds were finally reunited.”

“Wait, Hannah?” Connie asked. “But she was a redhead!”

“With freckles,” Armin pointed out.

“Yeah, I probably just saw freckles and went for it,” Historia admitted. “Then the next morning I had a huge headache and no idea why Ymir was so grumpy.”

“Hey, captain?” Connie asked a few minutes later.

“Yes, Connie?”

“Sir, are dick problems a thing?” Conversation around the table abruptly halted as everyone turned to stare at him.

“Are what?” the captain asked, wondering what horrible mess he was about to walk into.

“You know, dick problems, captain. Like, um…” Suddenly aware that everyone was staring at him, Connie blushed, but forged ahead with his question, ”I was talking earlier with Sasha about, you know, how girls have monthlies? And I was wondering, well, do guys have anything like that?”

“No, Connie, monthly dick problems are not a thing,” Levi answered, squeezing the bridge of his nose.

“Oh. Well, that doesn’t seem very fair, sir.”

“Neither is life,” Levi replied with a shrug before returning his attention to his tea.

Connie nodded. “Yeah, I guess that’s true, sir.”

“I can’t believe you actually asked him,” Sasha whispered to Connie, “and in front of everyone, you maniac!”

Connie shrugged. “I had to know, was afraid I’d wake up one morning bleeding into my shorts or something.”

Sasha chuckled at this. “Captain?” she called out.

“Yes, Sasha?” Levi replied, hoping he wouldn’t have to answer another awkward question.

“Sir, that medic that taught you about the cramp tea, what was her name?”

“Petra, why?”

“The one Eren told us about? She sounded nice, sir.” Levi nodded at this. “Anyway, sir, I think she should be remembered. Can we call it Petra tea?”

“Sure. She’d be happy if she could see that tea helping people.”

“What about the woman who showed you the waterskin trick, sir?” Sasha asked.

“I honestly can’t remember,” he replied, shrugging.

“Sir, you forgot?” Armin asked, surprised.

“I only knew her a couple damn weeks, brat, and this was back before the wall fell. I think it was some sort of ‘A’ name. Probably.”

“I guess we can’t remember her, then,” Sasha concluded, earning another shrug.

“Captain?” Connie asked.

Levi sighed. “What now, Connie?”

“Why do girls have chunky blood?”

“Chunky blood?”

“Yeah, in their monthlies.”

“Fuck, I don’t know, I’m not a damn doctor. Go ask Eren, maybe his doctor dad told him.”

* * *

“Are you guys alright?” Historia asked when she came in from night watch duty with Eren and saw Armin and Jean sitting at the table, drinking tea.

“Just dreaming of Trost again,” Jean replied in a melancholic tone, receiving sympathetic nods. They all had nights when they returned to the battlefield at Trost.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” Armin confidently promised. “You two get some rest.”

Eren and Historia each placed a hand on Jean’s shoulder and gave a firm squeeze as they passed on the way to the stairs. “Thanks,” he called after them before taking another sip of chamomile.

“Hey” Historia gently shook Mikasa’s shoulder. “You alright to stand watch?”

“I’m good, thanks,” she replied as she got up.

“If you’re really sure?” Historia handed her rifle to Mikasa while on the other side of the room, Eren handed his off to Connie.

“Yeah, I can stand in place for a couple hours, don’t worry.” She then turned towards the stairs, where Connie was already headed down.

“Hey, Historia,” Eren asked with a grin, “Ready for your turn at captain duty?”

She grinned back and nodded. “Wonder what he’ll grumble tonight?” She then took the blanket from the unused bed and made her way to the captain’s customary seat. From down the stairs she could hear Connie asking if the guys at the table were alright and Jean offering to bring out a hot waterskin for Mikasa.

“Are you brats really going to do this shit every damn night?” Levi grumbled sleepily as Historia tucked a blanket over him.

“Yes, sir, we can’t have our captain catching cold now,” she replied with a cheeky grin.

“Not even that fucking cold…” he grumped.

“Good night, captain.”

“Tch, g’night, damn brat. Fucking go to bed…”

“Did you hear that?” she whispered to Eren after walking back over to where he was sitting in his bed. “I got a ‘good night brat’ from the captain.”

He chuckled quietly. “I’m jealous. All I got for starting this tradition was a ‘fucking go to sleep’ from the captain,” he joked. “Well, have another. Good night, Historia.”

“Good night, Eren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that was a reference to the hilarious cooking contest OVA. If you haven't seen it, you need to.


	4. Chapter 4

As she leaned against the table and sipped on her cup of Petra tea with a generous dollop of honey, Mikasa couldn’t help feeling proud at the commotion around the stove at the other end of the room. Carrying that heavy pot of honey through the forest while cramping had hurt more than she let on, but watching Eren and Connie happily cook up honeycakes while Armin and Jean excitedly watched over their shoulders was more than worth it in her opinion.

“Tea must be working fast today, I think I see a smile starting,” Sasha teased from the seat next to her, where she was also downing heavily sweetened medicinal tea while waiting for breakfast.

“No, that’s from the honey. I think I’ll need a couple more pots of tea, at least.” Sasha nodded sympathetically, knowing from past conversations that abnormally strong muscles did have one major drawback, though it was normally hidden behind a stoic facade.

The pair continued to sit and sip their tea in companionable silence after this, watching the boys excitedly bustle around the stove. After a few minutes of this, the two kettles on the stove began to whistle; Jean and Armin each grabbed one and went to work.

“Here come our heroes,” Sasha joked as the two walked to the table.

“And here’s your, uh, peach tea,” Armin replied uncertainly as he set a fresh pot down in front of them and Jean handed out fresh hot waterskins.

“Armin, the box says ‘Petra tea’,” Sasha corrected while replacing the waterskin tucked into the front of her skirt. “I thought you were supposed to be the big brain around here.”

“Those squiggles looked more like peach,” Armin protested. “Maybe you should’ve had Mikasa write it.”

“Hey, uh, do you need a hand with that?” Jean asked, blushing slightly and looking away as Mikasa awkwardly replaced one of the waterskins tucked into the back of her skirt.

“I’ll manage, Jean, thank you,” she replied, stubbornly keeping her face impassive despite the extra discomfort twisting around to replace the two waterskins caused.

“Food!” Sasha excitedly announced as Connie and Eren, grinning broadly, each carried a plate with a large cake on it to the table.

“I still can’t believe the Captain agreed to this,” Eren stated as they began to carve thick wedges and serve them, topped with extra honey.

“Maybe these aren’t popular where he’s from and he thought you meant something like pancakes?” Armin speculated.

“What kind of place doesn’t have honeycakes?” Sasha wondered after swallowing her first forkful of cake.

Eren spoke up, “I heard from Petra, on his old squad, that the Captain lived in the underground before becoming a scout.”

“They don’t have honeycakes underground?” Connie asked. “That sounds like a sad place to be a kid.”

“Maybe that’s why the Captain tends to be grumpy?” Jean speculated.

“Then we should leave him an extra big slice,” Sasha declared, drawing several nods of agreement from around the table.

* * *

“The hell is this?” Levi asked, cautiously prodding the sticky wedge on his plate with a fork.

“Are these honeycakes?” Historia asked, looking at her slice eagerly.

“Yes”, Mikasa replied, looking up from the other end of the table where she was trying to thread a needle. “You haven’t had one before?”

“We never had anything like this on the farm.” She took a small bite while Levi looked on skeptically. “These are really good!” she announced before resuming her meal with gusto.

“Tch, that’s too sweet,” Levi declared after washing the overwhelming sweetness of his first bite down with a mouthful of black tea.

“You don’t like sweets, sir? Historia asked as Mikasa removed her scarf and began mending a small tear in the fabric.

He shrugged. “Never developed a taste for them, I suppose.” He then looked over to Mikasa, as she accidentally poked herself in the finger with the needle again. “Oi, brat, are you trying to dye that thing bloodstain brown? You need to put that shit down and drink more tea until you can focus right.”

“It needs done,” she insisted, refusing to flinch when she poked herself again.

He pushed his plate aside and scowled. “Tch, give me that.” When Mikasa reflexively pulled the scarf to her chest and shot him a defensive look he continued, “If you aren’t gonna wait, let me fix the damn thing. At least I won’t bleed all over it.”

“Captain,” Historia asked, “You know how to sew?” He nodded, while Mikasa still looked highly skeptical. “How’d you learn that?”

He sighed, knowing what sort of questions were coming since Historia had been asking all of her squadmates questions about what it was like having a family. “My mom taught me when I was little.” Mikasa raised an eyebrow and had a mischievous thought of joking about him still being little, but kept it to herself. “Been mending my own shit ever since,” he continued, stretching out one of his arms toward Mikasa and pointing out a mended tear in the cuff of his sleeve.

“Is that something moms usually teach their sons?” Historia asked.

Mikasa spoke up after examining the sleeve with a critical eye, “These are good stitches. I don’t think any of the other guys in the cabin know how. Eren and Armin definitely never learned.” She took a deep breath, then hesitantly handed over the scarf and sewing supplies. “Please be careful with it, sir.”

“Mikasa,” he replied while spreading the scarf out in front of him, “everyone knows this thing’s important to you. Relax. And you brats can have my breakfast if you want, too damn sweet for me.”

“Captain,” Historia asked while reaching for his unwanted cake to split it, “if you don’t mind me asking, why did she teach you something like that? And why did you both stare at the scarf like that before starting?”

Levi shrugged. “We were poor as fuck, mom was always tired from work, I wanted to help, so she taught me how to mend and clean correctly. And you need to line up everything right before you mend, or it’ll end up looking like shit.” _And here comes the what was she like question,_ he thought.

“Oh. Sir, what was your mother like?” Historia asked him as he began sewing the first rip while Mikasa looked on nervously.

Having already considered how to deal with the inevitable questions without drawing more curiosity or revealing any embarrassing details, Levi answered briefly as he sewed, “Devoted. Tough. Always tried to hide how sore and tired she was behind hugs and smiles and shit. Never spoke to me about her work, just got up and did it every day so she could take care of us. Liked singing.”

Historia nodded somberly. “She sounds wonderful.” He nodded and continued to work silently, while the two girls watched every stitch closely, one curiously and the other critically. After watching for several minutes, she spoke up again, “Captain, can you teach me how to do that? I have a few things that need fixed and don’t know how.”

“Sure, go grab your shit, I’ll walk you through it when I’m done here.” After she left the table, he spoke again, “This things getting thin, you should probably ask four eyes if there’s any way to thicken it back up when she gets here. She knits.” Mikasa nodded at this as she poured herself another cup of tea and began spooning honey into it.

After the last tear was closed, the scarf was handed back to its owner, who took a long look before she quietly said “Thank you, ” and wrapped the repaired scarf back around her neck. A moment later she asked, “Captain? I was about to make another pot of this tea. Would you like me to start another pot of black tea too?” He nodded and she got up from the table to express her gratitude with tea.

“Captain?” Historia asked while Mikasa was putting the kettle on the stove. Turning, he saw that she had Eren and Connie with her and all three were carrying a few pieces of clothes.

“You too? Alright, brats, grab a needle and sit your asses down…”

* * *

“Hahaha, I can’t believe you’re actually using a step-stool!”

Levi sighed, then reached up to attach another clothespin to the shirt he was hanging on the clothesline before replying, “Why the hell are you here early, four eyes?” He reached down to take another piece of laundry from the basket before continuing, “Your letter said three more days.”

“Until the meeting,” she answered with a smirk to his back as he once again stretched up onto his toes on the stool to reach the clothesline. “You know we need to have pre-meeting meetings first to make the meeting go smooth.”

He finally turned around at this, scowling deeply. “Did you turn into fucking Nile while I was gone?”

“Nah, I’m just messing with you, shorty,” she told him with a grin. “My squad’s setting up camp sites and scouting around for a good place to do the testing, so Moblit and I figured we’d come visit our new neighbors.”

“We aren’t your damn neighbors,” he grumbled, turning back to the laundry.

“I did have some actual business here other than harassing you. I wanted to check on Eren and talk with the rest of your squad, see if there’s been any changes.”

“That’s fine. Just don’t keep them from their training or chores and you can interview my brats all you want.”

Hange raised an eyebrow as Levi continued to hang laundry. “Your what now?”

“My squad.”

“Noooo…” Hange’s gave Levi a mischievous look. “You said ‘my brats’, very clearly.”

“The brats on my squad, yeah.”

“That’s not what you said.” She then laughed loudly. “Oh Levi, I’m so proud of you; you’re finally a father! My favorite midget’s all grown up, at least metaphorically.”

“Don’t you have brats to interview, shitty glasses?”

* * *

Connie was coming out of the outhouse when he heard laughter from around the corner. _That sounds like Squad Leader Hange_ , he thought, _I should go say hi_.

“Oh Levi, I’m so proud of you; you’re finally a father!”

Connie’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped when he overheard this revelation. “Captain’s having a baby? I gotta tell the squad!”

* * *

“Hey!” Hange waved as she approached. “You’re Eren’s friend, Armin, right?”

Armin nodded. “Can I help you, ma’am?

She grinned and planted a hand on his shoulder. “Yes you can! I need to ask all of you kids some questions about Eren, see if there’s been any changes. Can you round up anyone who isn’t busy with something important and have them meet me in the cabin?”

The short blond nodded again. “Jean’s already in there. I’ll go find everyone else.”

“Great, I’ll start with him!” the exuberant squad leader announced, clapping Armin on the back.

* * *

“Are you sure Connie heard her right?” Mikasa asked, eyes wide in surprise.

Sasha nodded, smiling widely. “I hope the Captain lets us hold it.”

“He’ll grumble about it first, but you know he will. Wonder how grumpy that baby’s going to be?”

Sasha laughed at this. “This baby’s gonna come out scowling at the midwife and trying to punch her.”

“Its first word will be ‘shit’,” Mikasa predicted.

* * *

“Anything unusual?” Jean asked as he tossed another cord of firewood in the stove. They had been given a new chore this week of keeping pots of water heated in case a hot waterskin or soak was needed. Hange nodded enthusiastically. “Actually, yeah. I think he might be having bowel problems.”

“Really?” Hange scribbled in her notes before continuing, “and what makes you think that?”

Jean suppressed a grin as he elaborated, “Well, he’s been spending a lot of time in the outhouse lately. Like he’s having a hard time in there. Maybe that’s related to how titans don’t have bowels? He went in there three times yesterday and didn’t come out for a long time.”

Hange nodded as she added to her notes while the other squad members began walking into the room. “That’s a reasonable assumption, he might start having troubles with bodily functions his titan form doesn’t have. I definitely need to investigate and find out what’s going on in there. Thanks, Jean.”

“Ah, anytime, Squad Leader,” he replied, trying hard not to laugh.

“Is this everyone?” she asked, looking around the room.

“Did you forget how to count, shitty glasses?” Levi grumbled as he made his way to the stove.

“Ah, this is everyone who isn’t standing watch, Ma’am,” Armin volunteered as Levi carried a pair of steaming pots to the rear room.

“Great I have some questions for you kids about Eren and how he’s handling his ability,” she began as Armin pulled Jean aside and whispered in his ear.

“What, really? A baby?” Jean whispered back, watching Levi make another trip to the stove. “Wow.”

“Now, has anyone noticed any unusual behavior?” Hange asked.

“How about an unusual stench?” Levi asked as he walked back into the main room and grabbed Hange by the back of her jacket. ”You’re fucking filthy.”

“Wait, no, I have work to do!” she insisted as Levi walked toward the rear room, dragging her behind him while his shocked subordinates watched. “Important work! Moblit! Carry on without me!” she called out frantically as she was dragged into the room and the door closed behind her. Moblit sighed and began gathering the papers that had been scattered during the brief scuffle while arguing voices faintly drifted through the door.

Jean voiced what the rest of his friends were wondering, asking, “What just happened?”

“Well,” Moblit began, while sorting through papers at the table, “Squad Leader Hange does very important work.” He paused a moment, thinking how to phrase it, as a splash was faintly heard from the other room. “Ok, you kids all know what a town drunk is, right?”

“She’s drunk?” Sasha asked.

“No, that’s a metaphor. Just like a drunkard is too focused of getting drunk to take care of themselves Ms. Hange is too focused on work. Your Captain and I make sure she’s taken care of when she gets too distracted by work. For example, I won’t unlock the lab in the morning until she eats breakfast and last night I stole all of her candles so she had to sleep.”

“But she outranks you both,” Armin pointed out. “Isn’t that insubordination, Mr. Moblit?”

“It would be, except Commander Erwin has given us permission to do whatever we need to keep the Squad Leader healthy. Which Captain Levi has interpreted as making her… follow his hygiene standards.”

“He’s washing her?” Jean asked.

“Let’s get back to Eren,” Moblit insisted. “Now, is he still having frequent nightmares?”

* * *

“When’s the last time you washed this mess? Levi asked as he massaged suds into Hange’s scalp.

“You washed it the morning before you rode out here, remember?”

“That’s disgusting, four eyes,” he grumbled.

“It’s only been a few days and I’ve been busy. Besides,” she wrapped an arm around each of his knees and squeezed them against her sides as she continued in a quieter voice, “this is the only time I can relax. When you make me.”

“That’s all kinds of fucked up. What'll you do if I die before you and nobody else is willing to scrub your filthy ass for you? Rinsing.” She closed her eyes on cue as he began to use a cup to pour water over her head. “I’m going to fuck up or get unlucky one day, and I don’t want my last thoughts while I’m getting eaten to be that you’re going to live like a filthy animal until you die of twenty fucking diseases from living in shit. Lean forward,” he commanded when he finished with her hair.

“Thinking of me at the end? How sweet,” she teased, grinning, before she leaned forward, running her hands down the front of his shins as she did so. “Hello, little piggies.” She laced her fingers between his toes and gave them a squeeze. ”Such itty-bitty piggies.”

“Tch, wierdo.”

“That makes two of us, weirdo with cute little piggies.”

“Seriously. Promise me you’ll take a damn bath now and then if I die first,” Levi requested as he scrubbed her back.

“I’ll try. If that’s not good enough, maybe you should try not to die before me.”

“Maybe I’m tired of seeing everyone else die before me. Lean back.” She leaned back against his chest and turned her head to the side. “Maybe,” he continued as he began to clean her face with a damp cloth, “I don’t want to go to another damn funeral unless I’m in the fucking box.”

* * *

“Now, how about dietary abnormalities?” Moblit asked. “Is he eating regularly?”

“Um, Mr. Moblit?” Connie asked.

“Yes?”

“Are they fucking?”

Moblit’s jaw dropped. “Are what?”

Connie scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Well, they’ve been in there a while, and the Captain told us we needed to make a girl take a bath before fucking her.”

“He what?” Moblit’s eyes were growing wider.

“That’s only if you’re going to go down on her, idiot,” Jean pointed out.

“What?” Moblit repeated.

“Yeah,” Sasha added, “he just said bathing together was nice, he didn’t say we really needed to wash anything unless we were gonna stick it in our mouth.”

“He said what?”

“There goes your five second rule,” Connie joked.

“Ten seconds!” Sasha corrected. “And I can still do it as long as the Captain isn’t watching.”

“He watches… what?” Moblit asked, not realizing the subject had changed to dropped food.

“But what about the Captain’s pregnant girlfriend?” Jean asked.

Moblit’s shock grew. “His what?”

“That’s right!” Connie exclaimed. “He wouldn’t sneak around on her, would he?”

“He better not,” Mikasa declared. “They’ve been in there a long time.”

“Wait, think about it logically,” Armin cautioned, giving Moblit a brief moment of relief. “First, they weren’t trying to be sneaky. Second, the Squad Leader was wearing very loose-fitting clothes. Therefore…”

Sasha gasped when she saw where Armin was headed with this. “Captain Levi got Squad Leader Hange pregnant!”

“He what!?” Moblit squawked.

“So they are fucking!” Connie deduced. “I hope they let us hold the baby when it gets here.”

* * *

“You want me to what?” Hange laughed. She was sitting sideways in the tub now while Levi scrubbed one of her legs. “How did that even come up?”

Levi sighed. “Blame bald-ass Shadis and his crew of merry losers. Half the brats didn’t even know what a fucking condom was or how babies happen. Other foot.” He released the now-clean leg and Hange lifted her other foot from the water. “You been walking around outside without your shoes again?” he asked, scowling at her sole. “Going to pick up ring worm or some shit like that one of these days.”

“I’m pretty sure humans don’t catch that. So, you decided to teach them yourself?”

“Had to, that shit’s important. Sat down with a bunch of them one hellish afternoon and told them they could ask me anything.” He sighed.

“Lots of questions?”

He nodded. “It’s been a few days and the brats still keep coming up to me with more shit to ask. Only about half the shit they’ve been asking me lately is sex shit, but still that shit just keeps coming.”

“Your turn,” Hange announced, turning toward Levi when he released her foot.

“Oi, careful!” he exclaimed when she planted her knees on the bottom of the tub.

“Relax, I’m not gonna do that again.”

“You almost did!”

“I only did it once, why do you keep bringing it up?” she asked as she reached for the cup he’d used to rinse her hair.

“Because it fucking hurt and you keep almost doing it,” he growled.

“Close your eyes,” she instructed before dumping the cup over his head. “I’ve seen you get hit harder plenty of times sparring.”

“It’s not the same,” he explained as she began to massage shampoo into his already clean black hair. “I’m expecting to take hits in sparring and can roll with it if someone kicks me in the sack. Not much I can do when I’m relaxing in the bath and a blind maniac suddenly kneels on the damn thing.”

“And I said I was sorry. So back to your kids. I’m guessing you need this favor from me because you told your girls to hold their questions till I got here?”

“You know I don’t play favorites with my subordinates or go back on promises. I said they can ask me anything, so I answer all of their questions the best I can. Sometimes very fucking awkwardly and wishing I was anywhere else, but I answer. Some of that shit, though, I don’t have the… right perspective to answer well.”

“So that’s where I come in. Rinsing.” He closed his eyes as she began pouring water over his head again. ”Your hair’s always so soft.”

“Tends to happen when you wash it regularly. And the brats might even have a question or two left they weren’t comfortable asking me. Maybe.”

“Aww, they trust their papa Levi,” Hange teased as she began washing his face.

“Tch. One of them has a knitting question too.”

“How did we get from sex to knitting?”

“Told you they ask all kinds of shit. I somehow ended up teaching three of them to sew this morning, including your favorite science project. His gloomy little girlfriend has this beat up old scarf that she absolutely fucking loves for whatever reason. Damn thing’s been mended so much, it’s getting to be more thread than yarn, so I told her you might be able to help,” he explained as she began soaping up one of his arms.

“Alright, Dr. Levi, sex ed instructor, I’ll help your daughter with her scarf, and answer any questions your girls have. So, do you know what they taught them in the training corps?”

“If it’s anything like their hand to hand curriculum, they learn how to use shitty pick-up lines that get them shot down 99% of the time and how to be an abject failure in bed and embarrass themselves on the rare occasion someone gives them a chance.”

“Not quite. First they teach the girls how to use pads. Then they teach both groups about condoms and prophylactic tea. Then they go over all of the sexual diseases and tell the kids about all the horrible symptoms they’ll suffer if they dare have sex at the training camp.”

“And?”

“And that’s it.”

“That’s fucking stupid.”

“Guess you overdid it, huh, shorty?” she asked as she moved to his other arm.

“Why the fuck would they teach about something and not teach how to do it right?” he growled.

“It’s military camp, Levi, not life camp. They probably don’t have time and just want to avoid having to deal with pregnant kids. So you really taught them everything, huh?”

“Someone had to. Hell, most of my brats are fucking orphans, not like there’s anyone else they can ask about shit like this.”

“Awww, you’re such a good daddy…”

“Would you give that a rest? I don’t know the first damn thing about dad shit.”

“But you’re doing so good at it.”

“Shut the hell up, shitty glasses,” he grumped, clearly uncomfortable.

She chuckled and changed the subject. “So what am I working with here, how much did you tell those girls?”

“Ask Jean, he takes care of the big-ass notebook they’re writing all this shit down in.”

“Wait. Levi, are you telling me you just dictated a book? I’m proud of you for real this time,” she declared while pulling him into a tight hug. “I’m not the only author in the Survey Corps anymore. You should try to publish it.”

“Who the hell would read something like that?” he asked as she took advantage of their new position to begin scrubbing his back.

“Call it ‘Secrets of Humanity’s Strongest Lover’ and it’d fly off the shelves.”

“Fuck no, you know I hate all that humanity’s strongest garbage.”

“What about ‘How to Bang Like an Angry Midget’?”

“Fuck you.”

“With your kids in the next room? What if they hear?”

“Metaphorically, fuck you.”

* * *

“Quiet, here they come!” Jean cautioned as the doorknob began to turn. Moblit buried his face in his hands and wished for something strong to drink as Levi squad, minus Eren and Historia who were standing watch, eagerly waited for the door to open.

The door swung open and the pair of unsuspecting officers strode out, hair still damp. “Congratulations!” the squad shouted, bringing them to a stunned halt.

“Levi? Why are they applauding us?”

“Somehow this is your fault, I just know it.”

“Ah, Squad Leader, Captain,“ Sasha began, having volunteered to speak for the squad, “We all want you to know how happy we are for you, and proud.” Hange took one look at Levi’s face and bent over laughing as Sasha uncertainly carried on, “So, uh, to celebrate this wonderful event, we, uh, baked you a cake, but it’s still in the oven.”

“That’s appropriate!” Connie shouted out, drawing laughs from his squadmates.

“Ah, that’s too much!” Hange fell to the ground laughing as she pointed up at Levi. “They’re so proud of you they made a cake!”

“Squad leader, should you be doing that in your condition?” Armin asked nervously.

“Yeah, think about the baby!” Connie urged.

“Baby? What baby?”

“Didn’t the Captain get you pregnant?” Connie asked.

“Huh? Levi, did you get me pregnant?” Hange asked, smirking up at Levi, who’s only response was a furious glare. “That looks like a no.”

“Then it wasn’t her after all!” Armin gasped.

“What wasn’t?” Hange asked, surprised to see the happy expressions on Levi’s squad melt into varying degrees of disappointment and anger.

“And I used to think you were real nice,” Connie said. “Can’t believe you’d sneak around like this…”

“I can’t believe our Captain’s a two-timing cheater,” Mikasa pronounced, shaking her head in disappointment.

“How could you, Captain?” Sasha asked, shocked. “Taking a bath with another woman while your poor pregnant girlfriend’s off by herself somewhere, probably crying.”

“Wait. What’s this about a pregnant girlfriend, Levi?” Hange asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously as she got back to her feet.

“You should know!” Connie exclaimed. “I heard you congratulate him on finally becoming a father!”

“Wait,” Hange ordered, holding her hands out, palms forward, “You misunderstood, I was teasing your Captain. He didn’t get anyone pregnant.”

“So there isn’t a baby?” Connie asked, still sounding disappointed.

“But now what will we celebrate with the cake?” Sasha asked.

“I knew this was your fault,” Levi growled before he walked out of the cabin.

“And I was really looking forward to holding the baby,” Connie sighed.

“I think it’s time to go stand watch now,” Armin announced, feeling awkward. He quickly exited the other door, followed by Connie.

“Wow,” Hange remarked. “Haven’t seen him sulk off like that in a while.”

“Sulk?” Jean asked. “Ma’am, he looked normal to me.”

“Because you haven’t learned to read Levi yet. He’ll almost never say how he’s feeling, but his actions and tiny little changes in his body language show you. And he’s pretty upset right now, probably going to tear you kids a new one in PT tomorrow morning.” She then glanced at the waterskin tucked into the front of Sasha’s skirt. “Well, I suppose he’ll need to get creative in your case. Did he show you that trick?”

“Yes, Squad Leader, but why would you tease the Captain like that?” Sasha asked as she pulled the cake out of the oven.

“Oh, we’ve been making fun of each other for years. We were talking earlier and he called you kids ‘my brats’, then got all flustered when I pointed it out. Which was funny because he’s horrible with feelings and gets flustered easy, which is always cute and hilarious, so I’ve been calling him papa Levi ever since,” she explained as the cake was placed on the table to cool.

“He really called us that?” Sasha asked

“Yeah, and he also asked me to help you girls with your questions. And is Mikasa here?”

“Yeah she’s… guess she stepped out,” Sasha said when she turned to where Mikasa had been sitting a moment earlier.

“That’s, alright, I can talk to her when she gets back. Levi says she needs my knitting expertise for her scarf. Hey, Eren,” she called as he walked in the door with Historia. “I have some questions for you. How are your bowels?”

“My bowels?”

“Hey,” Jean whispered in Sasha’s ear, grinning. “Watch this.”

“Yes,” Hange replied, checking her notes. “Regular bowel movements are very important and I hear you’ve been spending a lot of time in the outhouse. Can you tell me what’s going on in there? Are you having a hard time going? Eren?” She looked up and saw that the shocked shifter was standing slack jawed as his face flushed deeply. “Oh. That was mean, Jean.”

“You horse faced bastard!” Eren bellowed before throwing himself across the table at Jean.

“No, not the Captain’s apology cake!” Sasha cried out as it fell to the floor.

“Quick, pick it up!” Hange urged as Eren and Jean rolled across the floor.

“This should still be alright,” Sasha stated as she brushed it off and put it back on the plate.

“Oh, definitely,” Hange agreed. “That was less than ten seconds.”

“And a little dirt never hurt.”

“Exactly! So, do those two do that often?”

Sasha looked over to where Moblit and Historia were struggling to pull Eren and Jean apart. “Yeah, that’s completely normal.”

* * *

Mikasa found Levi working on one of the punching bags out front. Dispite what Hange had said, she saw no difference in his body language, though he was hitting significantly harder than normal, leaving deep dents in the bag as he circled it. “May I have a word, Captain?” she requested, drawing up at attention.

He let her stand silently for a few moments as he continued working the bag before he replied, “You may.”

“Sir, I was disrespectful to superior officers and I apologize.” When he didn’t reply, she continued, “My punishment, sir?”

“Hold on, I’m thinking of one,” he stated flatly as he continued pummeling the bag. Finally he stopped and turned to face her. “You and Sasha are on dishes duty for the rest of the week. You can let the other brats know they’ll pay for their transgressions in PT.”

She nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Was there anything else?” He asked when she remained standing there.

“Ah, yes, sir, um…”

“At ease and spit it out.”

“Sir, it’s not listed in military code as a rule, but I’m also sorry for upsetting you.”

“Oi, brat.” When she looked up, he reached out and tousled her hair as he stated, “You’re a good kid, even if you are a little shit some days. Relax, I’m not going to hold a grudge over you brats fucking up from a bad assumption.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Tch, of course I’m mad, but that’s not your problem. You took responsibility and accepted your punishment, brat. Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh.” She turned to leave, then stopped after a few steps and turned back. “Also, sir, I think the two of you would make a very cute baby.” That said, she continued on her way.

“Damn brat,” Levi muttered fondly as he resumed his workout.

* * *

Climbing up the stairs with a pot of chamomile tea after his turn at watch, Levi took a moment to survey the room. He then set the tea down on the small table and walked quietly down the aisle between the beds, occasionally stopping to fix a blanket that had been kicked down by a restless sleeper. Once he was satisfied that they all were tucked in and sleeping well, he finally returned to his chair and poured his first cup.

He was near the end of his third cup, relaxing to the sound of his peacefully sleeping brats, when Historia sat upright, gasping, “Ymir!”

“Nightmare?” he asked in a whisper as he took a knee next to her bed and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Not at first,” she whispered back. “We were getting married and everyone was there. You were walking me down the aisle and Ymir was waiting at the other end with Commander Erwin.” Levi raised an eyebrow at the idea of Erwin officiating a wedding, but said nothing as Historia continued, “I was almost close enough to touch her, but then they took her and I was chasing them. All my swords broke on Reiner’s armor, then my ODM wires got tangled up in my wedding dress and I was falling. Then I woke up and I’m so worried about her.”

“She’s probably sleeping right now, dreaming about you in that wedding dress.”

“You think she’s alright?”

“I don’t think our enemies would just destroy a power like she has, so yes.”

“I hope I see her again.”

“I think you will. Now, can you get back to sleep?”

“I think so, Captain. Thanks.” She leaned forward and gave him a hug, which he awkwardly returned.

“Now get your ass to sleep. And if you have that dream again, cut that big bastard behind the knees.”

* * *

“You didn’t even try sneaking,” Levi accused Connie as he draped a blanket over his Captain.

“Sasha couldn’t sneak up on you, so I’m pretty sure I can’t.”

“At least make a fucking effort like the other brats do.”

“Sorry, Captain. And sorry about earlier. Good night.”

“Get your ass in bed. You’ll need your rest for the morning.”


End file.
